Firsts

Last night was the first night Maximus and I spent in separate rooms in one year.  He is now three months old, so including the 9 months of pregnancy, we have never slept more than a foot apart. Granted, he was only 100 feet away in his room, but it might as well have been another planet!

We never fell into the trap of letting Maximus sleep in the bed with us- I knew going in what a hard habit that would be to break. But he has been sleeping next to me in his Pack-n-Play every night since we came home from the hospital. Well, this week we are going to Colorado for Christmas so I had to pack up the Pack-n-Play and therefore we gave his crib a try.

Maximus did great. He slept as well as he always does, awakening briefly to be fed twice in the middle of the night, then going right back to sleep.  He was happy and well rested in the morning. I, on the other hand, laid awake most of the night thinking about him- missing him.  I was actually happy when I heard him wake up for a feeding because that meant I got to see him.  It sounds so silly.  All I know is I love that little guy so much and seeing him makes everything feel right with the world. ...Even sleep deprivation.

So tonight we are trying it again. It was easier for me to put him down in there tonight and walk away into my room. I suspect it will also be easier to sleep tonight, even though I will still miss him.  What this first in his life has taught me though, is that I have a lot of bittersweet moments ahead of me. While I love to see him progress and learn and do new things, it makes me sad when I realize how quickly time passes. I don't want to take a single minute for granted.

How My Son Teaches Me About The Father

  Today was Maximus' two month checkup at the pediatrician. A day I have been dreading. I have been dreading it not because of his health- thankfully he is an extremely healthy and happy baby, which was confirmed today. No, I was dreading the appointment because I knew he would be getting his first round of vaccinations, and that would mean he would feel pain.
   As we sat in the waiting room, I stared into those precious, unsuspecting eyes and returned the smile that came from his sweet little mouth. I knew that in a short while those same eyes would be filled with tears and that same mouth would be wide open and filled with the screams that naturally come from being in pain. By the time the nurse gave him the shot he was sound asleep in my arms. I didn't want to let him go. Tears filled my eyes as I laid him on the table, and held his tiny arms down. I wasn't tearing up because I thought he couldn't handle the pain- shots only hurt briefly and besides, my son is TOUGH! I was sad because I didn't want him to wonder why is my mommy doing this to me? Of course I knew I was doing it to protect him from deadly diseases and that the price of a few short seconds of pain was worth preventing the diseases, but HE didn't know that, and I had no way of telling him.
   In that moment I compared my predicament to that of our heavenly Father. Every moment of every day He is watching as so many of his children suffer. He sees them cry out to Him to stop the pain, and yet He chooses to allow it. They beg for understanding but He knows their minds are too simple to comprehend how in His plan, this suffering leads to glory. I have always believed that God can use our pain to bless us, but until today I never realized how much it must grieve Him to see us in pain, despite knowing the ultimate good that will come of it.
   This is not the first lesson Maximus has taught me about our Lord. I don't think I ever fully grasped how God could love me unconditionally until I met this little boy. I don't think there is anything he could do that would make me not love him. And I can finally take comfort in knowing that while I deserve to be despised for my sins, His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) and He loves me anyway.
   Additionally, when Maximus cries out in hunger, tiredness or because of a wet diaper I often think Why are you crying baby, don't you know by now that I will always provide for you and take care of you? Then I am reminded of Matthew 6:25-27 which reads “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" God has shown me over and over that He is in control and that He will always provide for me, yet I continue to have anxiety and fear when I am in need and do not know what to expect. I, like a little baby, need to learn to trust that my Father knows what is best and that He always provides.
   Finally, Maximus helps me see, in a painfully honest way, just how big of a sacrifice the cross was. Jesus was God's son and he chose to give him up to be tortured and murdered, then watched as it all happened. He heard as Jesus asked Him to "take this cup from me (Luke 22:42)" and when he hung bleeding on the cross asking, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46)." God allowed this brutal execution of His innocent son, all for a world of sinners who reject Him and curse His name over and over again.  Could I ever sacrifice Maximus in this way? Of course not. So I understand now, just how great is the Father's love for us.

Souvenirs

2011 has been the best year of my life. On January 2, 2011 Ricky and I found out we were pregnant for the first time. I had a relatively easy pregnancy and on September 16, 2011 our son, Maximus Solomon Jordan was born. I had no idea how much I would love this baby. He instantly changed my life and gave whole new meaning to my understanding of love. Everything he does is cute. His sounds, movements and smile warm my heart every instant that I am with him.

One day shortly after Maximus was born, Ricky and I were listening to the latest CD from our favorite band, Switchfoot. On it was a song called "Souvenirs," which is a song about memories. We started talking about little things we always want to remember about Maximus' first few weeks- our souvenirs of this incredible time in our life. 

Well it didn't take long to get a long list of "souvenirs." I started to get nervous that I would forget some of these mental memories. So, I am starting this blog. I want a place to permanently store the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing during this time. Maybe someday Maximus will read it and realize just how much I love him.

Some of my souvenirs from the first two months of Maximus's life:
-Being wheeled into the recovery room at the hospital after my C-section to see my husband holding our baby- he was smiling and had tears in his eyes.
-Ricky and I barely slept in the hospital that first night- not because Maximus kept us up, but because we were so excited. At 5am we did Facetime with Kelly, Charis and Gianna to show them their new nephew/cousin.
-From the day he was born Maximus always made this sweet little "hicuppy" sound several times in a row. Its like a little spasm of his vocal cords. I don't know why he does it, but its so cute.
-He also always does "the quiver lip" with his bottom lip. At first we thought it was just when he was cold, but now we have noticed him do it when he is hungry, mad, startled, happy, or just randomly. I don't know why I find it so precious, but I do.
-Whenever Maximus is in a deep sleep, he lays with his arms above his head- like he is saying "touchdown."
-I will never forget the first time I knew Maximus was smiling intentionally at me. There is nothing more wonderful to me than when he smiles.

These are just a few of the thousands of memories that I want to hold on to. I wouldn't trade them for anything. My Souvenirs.