Santa Claus

Maximus,


  It's December 2019. Last week we celebrated Thanksgiving and the next day we decorated our house for Christmas. We listened to Christmas music all weekend long. You love playing the song "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" while having a fake snowball fight in our dining/living rooms. Your Elf on the Shelf "Geri" made her appearance. This year she had a baby with her. She and the Grudecki's elf "Zipper" got married last year and have a baby now :). You and Titus have been talking about them for weeks in anticipation of this time of year.  Christmas has always been myfavorite holiday but ever since you were born it has been a whole new level of special. Getting to see you and Titus experience the magic and excitement of Christmas brings me pure joy and I have tried my best to make it special every year.

  I have never questioned whether or not to "let you" believe in Santa Claus. Some parents feel it is "lying" to kids and advise against it. For me though, it was always so special as a kid to believe in Santa, so we have always promoted that in our house and you have always been so excited about Santa, believing whole-heartedly. As I have watched you mature so much in this past year I have realized that this may be your last year believing. While it makes me sad, I figured we would just make this year extra special (ex: Geri's baby) and start some new traditions (like making Christmas fudge which I used to do with my grandpa). I could tell you were starting to take a more practical look at the magical aspects of Christmas and you already stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy last year. I imagined we would have a conversation after Christmas and I would answer any questions you have about Santa.

  Unfortunately this past Saturday a couple of older kids told you that Santa isn't real. We didn't know the kids and they were kind of bratty from what I could tell. You came to me and told me what they said. You were really sad. I could tell you didn't want it to be true that Santa isn't real but you also found them compelling since they were older than you.   It was hard to know how to respond. I didn't want to lie but I also didn't think you were ready to stop believing, especially when it is so close to Christmas. I told you that a lot of older kids stop believing in the magic of Santa but that you don't have to. You seemed resolved with that answer but still sad. I have noticed that since they told you that you have been really intentional about getting into the Christmas spirit- asking to play Christmas music, getting excited about where Geri will be each morning, and asking to watch Christmas movies. I think, in a way, you also know that this is your last year believing and so you want to get the full experience of it.

I love you sweetheart. Here's to a great Christmas season 2019!

Mom

Mini Me

Dear Maximus,

   You turned 8 years old last month. That seems so old. I feel like just yesterday you were the perpetually happy, energetic 2 year old running into my room early in the morning yelling, "I'm AWAKE!" Now I often find myself looking at pictures of you and watching videos and being swept back to those joyful times in our life.
   These days are also joyful in their own way. You have gained so much independence and have really thrived in your school environment, making a lot of friends and becoming someone that a lot of kids look up to. You teach your brother things, you love learning and sharing facts and you have become a pretty great basketball player.
   Also the older you get, the more obvious it becomes to me that you are my mini-me. I think sometimes that comes to me in moments of frustration. Sometimes you do things that I get upset about and then when I really think about it, I realize it upsets me because it reminds me of something I do. Other times I realize it when I see the ways your emotions come out. You have a temper and so do I. You do not like being controlled and neither do I. It is important for you to feel connected and close to people and I can tell that even when you are upset with me, you long to be close to me. I can relate to all of that too. Even when I am angry with you, I have to fight back the urge to just reach out and hug you to make sure you know that my anger does not preclude or in anyway decrease my love for you. Sometimes you and I make special glances at each other because its like we both understand something that others don't, like we are thinking and feeling the same things at the same time. I love that and I look forward to seeing how it develops as you get older. My dad and I have that same thing. Sometimes we will crack up laughing at something that we both pickup on and no one else will have a clue. So maybe one day it will be you, me and Paps laughing together.
   I am sorry I don't write in here as often as I used to. I always want to put into words what I am feeling but lately I have been trying to live it out more than just saying or writing it. I hope that when you grow up you are able to recall always FEELING loved even more than hearing or reading that you are loved.
     XOXO,
Mommy

Two Years Between Posts

Buddy,

  The last post I typed up on here was two years ago. I can't believe I have let so much time go without writing to you. So much has happened in these two years and life has been so busy that I have had to let some things go but I wish I had been better about taking the time to write because there are things that you do and say that I want to remember forever.
   As I am writing this I am alone in a hotel in Las Vegas. I have a work conference here this weekend so I left you kids at home with dad and headed up here alone. Honestly, I have been really looking forward to the time alone. Lately I have felt very stressed and like I can't think clearly because there is always someone or something calling my name or needing something from me. When I get stressed I get irritable and sometimes mean. I have started telling everyone (including dad) that no one is allowed in the kitchen when I am cooking dinner because every time I am trying to cook, all of you kids come in over and over asking for snacks, complaining about what I am cooking, showing me your toys, etc. That also seems to be the time that all three dogs want to go outside one by one and then dad will come in and look over my shoulder asking about dinner. I get so overwhelmed that I yell at everyone and say "no one is allowed in the kitchen!" I always feel so guilty once I snap, and lately I have been snapping more.
   So I was looking forward to just relaxing on this trip. I brought a good book, am meeting a few friends for dinner and a show, and plan to get a lot of sleep at night. Sounds lovely. But of course as soon as I got here I started missing you all terribly. The reality is that you guys are my life, and no matter how chaotic it gets, I love my life. So when I am away from you, I don't feel complete.

James and Titus at Your 6th Birthday Party

You Love Your Little Hopey

   How do I sum up the last 2 years since my last post? Well for one, you now consider yourself to have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. Mariah never got to come live with us because she was moved to a home within her tribe. That was pretty devastating for all of us, but now she is adopted by the same family who has her big sisters which is a pretty cool ending to that story. After Mariah, Hope came into our home. You loved her from the first day. She had the best smile and was so happy. She came to us when she was 5 months old and lived with us for 10 months before being reunited with her mom. Again, that was so hard on our family, but we have been able to keep in touch with them a little bit and know that Hope is doing ok. We then had James live with us for 5 months. He was right in between you and Titus in age and you all got along pretty well. He was only with us for a couple of months before going to live with his brother and family friends. After James left, you, in all of your 6 year old wisdom, said, "I think our family should take a break from fostering for awhile." Dad and I agreed and could see that loving and losing these "siblings" was taking its toll on you and Titus. So we took several months off and instead put our focus into mentoring and supporting some teenage boys living at Canyon State Academy. These boys have troubled pasts that have led to them living in and going to school at this residential boys ranch near us. We started a ministry by getting people to attend their football games and started pairing teens up with supportive families. We were paired up with Jacob, who we eventually got very close with and now he is like part of the family even though he has moved out of CSA and back with his mom. He has really taken to you and Titus and I think you consider him a big brother in a lot of ways.

My Silly Boys

Christmas at the Cabin with Jacob

   Then last month we had Malachi move in. He is 4 months younger than Titus and has A LOT of energy. He was disrupted from his previous foster home and came to live with us while his siblings went to a different family. I think that is hard on him, but he has made some pretty amazing changes since living with us. His parents have even told us that they can't believe how much calmer and well behaved he is since living with us. We are expecting that he will reunite with his family this summer. At that time we may take a more longterm break from fostering. At least until you and Titus are older. I feel like so much of my time and focus goes into taking care of the other kids that it has taken away from you two. And you never seem to mind- you actually seem to benefit in many ways from loving and being a role model to these kids. But still, I don't want these precious years of your life to go by with me feeling like I am totally engaged.

   One way I tried to remedy that was to take a 1:1 vacation with you last month. We went to the beach, the San Diego Safari Zoo and Legoland. We had a lot of fun. You got to call all the shots. We laughed and played "track meet" on the beach, took walks, and saw a Cheetah Run at the zoo. (Also, on a 30 minute Safari Tram at the zoo you had to go potty really bad so you had to pee in a souvenir cup, haha). I surprised you with Legoland and we had a blast there too. I hope
you always remember that trip with joy and know how much I love you and love being close to you.

You and Colin with Mrs. Arnold

   Another important thing in the past two years has been you going to Kindergarten! You are doing great in school and were even tested and found to be gifted. I wasn't really surprised about that. I am looking forward to what your future has in store. You are such a special, blessed little boy and I couldn't be happier to be your mom.

I will try to be better about getting on here to write to you more regularly. I love you so much buddy.

Your First Little Sister

Maximus,
  When daddy and I started the foster care process, our biggest concern was how this would affect you and Titus.  There were times throughout our classes and discussions about foster care that you seemed upset that we were going to bring in another child. At first I think you were confused because you seemed to think that bringing "a new brother or sister" into the home meant you would have to trade Titus for them and you didn't want to lose Titus :). Once we explained to you that that wasn't going to happen, you seemed a little better but still hesitant.
  Then Mariah came into our lives. She was 4 months old and had been living with our friends the Henderson's since she was born. They asked us to watch her for 5 days while they went to Disneyland and we agreed, excited to see how our family would handle having a third child in the home.  Well instantly we all fell in love with her. You and Titus just kept wanting to play with her and talk sweet to her. By the time the 5 days were up, we were all really sad to see her go. Fortunately, the Henderson's recognized that bond that we developed and talked with us about maybe one day moving Mariah into our home longterm.  Since then we have spent every weekend with her. She is an absolutely precious baby. She is so sweet and she doesn't cry much, but when she does, you are always right there to comfort her, without me having to ask.  In fact, this morning, I heard her start to fuss and by the time I got up and went in to get her, you were in her room, down on your knees with your arm reaching in the crib and rubbing her hair. You were singing "Hush Little Baby" to her. I could not believe how sweet that moment was. You have such a genuinely GOOD heart. You have so much love for others. That is my favorite thing about you.
   While we are speaking about things I love about you, how about the fact that you are four and have begun teaching yourself basic addition and subtraction! You have been reading for almost 2 years now, so I guess it made sense that you would move on to another subject! I just can't believe how smart and intuitive you are.
   You are also so funny. Today when I was telling you to taste your vegetables, you told me (as you have a couple times before) that "sometimes you just taste food with your heart," in order to get away from having to eat them! Haha, you just crack me up.
I recognize that it is tough to be the oldest because we have really high standards for you and we expect you to lead your brother(s and sisters) by example. I hate to admit that sometimes I am especially harsh with you when everything seems chaotic. I regret that and will try harder to keep my patience.  I love you sweet boy.

Maximus + Ashlynn

One of our favorite things to do together
is play games while Titus naps.

Oh Maximus you just keep adding to the list of things that make you uniquely wonderful! Some girl is going to be so blessed to have you for a husband some day, just like I am blessed to have you as a son. From a pretty young age you started showing your romantic side. You have given me flowers in the middle of the night, told me over and over that I am beautiful and made sweet statements like "mommy, you are my favorite channel" while gazing lovingly into my eyes. About 2 years ago I had cut my hair short (shoulder length) and you used to find pictures of me with long wavy hair and say, "mommy, I want your hair like that." Now that I have long hair anytime I have it up in a ponytail you scold me and tell me to take it down because you like it "long." Its so amusing to me the way you pay attention to those details and it feels special that you are in this phase of having a crush on your mommy, especially because I know eventually I will be sharing you with another girl.

You and some good neighbor friends

Well, turns out I am already having to share you with another girl. Ashlynn is a little cutie in your pre-school class that you have been hanging out with on the playground.  Grammy had told me that you told Ashlynn you liked her and she said, "he likes me because I am cute."  Ashlynn's mommy also told me that Ashlynn thinks you are cute.  This budding relationship became even more apparent as Valentine's Day approached. Everyone was given a list of all the kids in class to make Valentine's day cards. Colin's mommy told me that Colin wasn't making much progress on his list because he refused to do one for Ashlynn because he doesn't like her since you always sit by her and talk to her instead of him.  Then the other day I asked you if you were excited to give Ashlynn her Valentine's card and you said, with a sad look in your eyes, "No, Ashlynn is mad at me and doesn't like me anymore." You went on to explain that on the playground she wanted you to play with her but you were swinging with your friends and didn't want to leave them. You said that Ashlynn got mad and threw wood chips at you.  You seemed genuinely upset by having to "choose" between your girl and your buddies.

You and Ashlynn

Fortunately, Ashlynn must have forgiven you because when I took you to class the week of Valentine's Day, you brought a special Ninja Turtle heart Valentine box filled with chocolate for her. She was there with her daddy and you walked up to her and got shy. I encouraged you to ask her daddy if she could be your Valentine. You shyly asked him and he said yes. Ashlynn was beaming as you handed over the Valentine. She gave you a hug and her dad snapped a picture.

Riding bikes (without training wheels)
with your buddy Colin

Your first sleepover (campout in the backyard)
with daddy, Colin and Colin's daddy. 

Now I hear you, Ashlynn, Colin, Easton and Charlie all play together on the playground. I like that. I am glad your first girlfriend is fun and can hang out with the guys but is also sweet.  Colin is getting plenty of bro time too, so he doesn't have to be jealous of your relationship with Ashlynn.  In fact the other day he came and had a sleepover in the backyard with you, daddy and Chris!  You were so excited and you made it the whole night! I love these memories and this special time in your life. Some day you will make a wonderful husband/daddy but for now you are my little casanova!

Just a Note for my Little Spidey Astronaut

Maximus,
 I love you so much. You are growing up so fast and I can't believe it. Right now you are obsessed with planets and the solar system. You can name all of the planets and dwarf planets from smallest to biggest and from distance to the sun. You wake up in the morning singing about planets. Every card or picture you draw is of the solar system (and very good, I might add). You even made the solar system out of pumpkins for your pumpkin decorating contest at school.
  Planets aren't the only thing you are into though... you are also spiderman 50% of the time. You like to climb up our refrigerator, do handstands and kick off the wall, and where your spidey costume around all day shooting "webs" at us.  It is so fun to watch you and see your innocence and zest for life.
  Today was the coldest day of the season so far. You woke me up just before 5am because you had to go poop ;). Once I was up I decided to start getting ready for work. Even though our house was so cold from having the windows open last night, you decided to stay in our bathroom and sit on the cold tile floor so you could be close to me. I told you you could climb up in my bed or on the couch and keep warm but you insisted on being with me so there you sat with your ipad at 5am on the cold tile floor. It might not sound like a big thing but it was big to me. It made me feel very loved.

I love you so much my sweet boy. Everything about you is special.

-Mommy

Giant Apology

Maximus,

   I love you so much. You are growing up in so many ways.  Just this past week you learned how to swim.  It has been amazing.  You had never done very well in water. Just two weeks ago you would cry whenever we would wash your hair in the bathtub and now you are able to swim across the pool, jump in and swim to the side, and get diving sticks from the bottom of the pool. You have been so brave and so excited about it.  I love seeing you face your fears and gain confidence in yourself.

   You start back to school in a couple of weeks. How are you already in your second year of preschool? I know I will cry again, but hopefully this year will be easier than last year :).

   You continue to be such a sweet big brother to Titus. I am so grateful that he has you as a role model and big brother.

   You are also a talker.  Man are you a talker.  You always have been, but for some reason lately it seems like you are talking 98% of your waking hours. And your favorite word?  "Mom."  Or more like "mom, mommy, mommy, MOMMMY, MOM!"  I remember laughing at a commercial from a show called the Family Guy where the little boy did this over and over to his mom, only to say "hi," little did I know just how true that commercial was. Sometimes I get so frustrated with you for needing my constant attention. I literally cannot use the bathroom, read a piece of mail or finish a sentence when talking to daddy when you are awake because you always need my attention.  Add your 18 month old little brother into the mix and 3 dogs who are always barking or scratching at the door, and I get a little crazy. Sometimes I take a "time out" where I go in my room for a few minutes to calm down. Sometimes I yell.  But I always regret it when I realize that right now I am literally your best friend, and that's why you are always wanting me.  Someday I will want that more than anything, so I need to appreciate it while I have it.
  I hate to admit it, but I think sometimes I expect too much from you. You are very mature and wise for your age and so sometimes I lose track of how little you still are.  And, ironically, I really want to keep you little as long as I can. But when I get stressed, I get easily frustrated, and sometimes I say things I don't mean.

Sometimes I ask you things like "what were you thinking?" ...and then I ask myself, "what are YOU thinking? He's only three."  Sometimes I tuck you in at night and I leave your room feeling sad because I didn't get to play with you very much, or because I feel like I was too harsh on you when we did play.  For example, a couple of nights ago I took you "scorpion hunting" at your request. It was late and I was stressed from work and things at home and I kept getting frustrated with you for stupid things like how you shined the blacklight on the wall. By the end of our little adventure, you seemed like you had lost interest and I was feeling guilty that I had ruined our special time together.  Sometimes when I yell at you or when something like this happens, I apologize to you later.  I don't expect you to understand, but I want you to know that even when I am mad, I still love you unconditionally.  I want to teach you that even mommy makes mistakes and when I do I want to own up to it. Its amazing how forgiving and full of grace you are... Tonight I apologized to you and prayed to God that he will make me the mommy you deserve. Then you prayed to God and said, "and help me to be the best boy that my mommy deserves." Wow. I couldn't help but tear up at that one... but then only moments later you had me cracking up laughing again when you made some kind of joke. Its amazing how you do that to me.

So I guess this post is kind of a giant apology. I apologize for mistakes I have made so far and for mistakes I will make in the future.  Please know that sometimes I overreact, or expect too much of you, or get justifiably mad when you do something wrong, but I still think the world of you. I still love you more than anything in the world.
   I hope you and I are always close.  Lately you have been saying things like "I just want to be with you forever," and "Even when I am a man, will you love me?" YES! YES! YES! I will always love you and I will always be with you.

XOXOX
MOMMY