Souvenirs II

Dear Maximus,
  From time to time I think it is important for me to make a record of some of my favorite things you do so that I may never forget them. You are 21 months this week and every day I fall more and more in love with you, and so does everyone else. In the past 6 months you have become a talking machine. Every word uttered out of your sweet mouth is cute, but by far the best thing you say is "mommy hold you." I think you started saying it around 19 months. You walk up to me and lift up your precious little arms to me and say it. Then I drop whatever I am doing to take part in this great privilege I have and I hold you until you decide you are done. Some people have tried to correct you and say "no, say hold me," but I always stop them because I love what you saw and how you say it. I have tried to get it on video, but you usually don't cooperate when the camera is on.
  Another souvenir I want to keep of this age is your love to make everyone laugh. You light up when there is a room full of people that you can perform for. At dinner you often will go into a state of chronic eye rolling over and over because everyone laughs at you for it. While you are doing it you have an ornery grin on your face. You also have a tendency to bust out dance moves and to sing at the top of your lungs during dinner every night. We don't usually know what you are singing, but you get really into it and you have the sweetest voice.
   At night when I am holding you and about to put you to sleep you alway say, "mommy, song" which is your way of asking me to sing to you. I always ask you "what song?" and you follow up with saying "ummmm..." Sometimes you choose a song like "Jesus Loves Me," or "Amazing Grace," but sometimes you leave it at "umm."
   You also blow me away by your intelligence. By 20 months you were able to count to 13 by yourself and can identify every letter by name. Now you are starting to know what sounds all the letters make and there are some words you recognize and "read" including 'artistic' and ruckus.'

   I always want to remember the days we spend at the park. On my days off we wake up early (usually you are up by 530am), have breakfast and then go on a run to the park. While we are there we play in the sand, go down the slide and run up and down the hill. Its simple but so special to me. I never want to forget these special days. Its very important to me that since I work outside of the home several days a week that the days that I am home I am 100% present with you so that we make memories and you know how much I treasure you.

I do treasure you baby. You are my world and I hope I can be as good of a mommy to you as you are a son to me.

Big Brother Maximus

Since November we had been trying to have another baby. In November I found out I was pregnant but then I miscarried. This was very difficult for us. What made it more difficult was that we didn't get pregnant again right away. Months passed by and I would take a pregnancy test only to be disappointed by the clear words saying "not pregnant." During that time I started really getting into shape and started running 20+ miles per week. When I went to the OB she said I may be affecting my ovulation cycle. So, Ricky asked me to cut back my running. In May I took a pregnancy test before a missed period. It was negative. A day after my missed period I checked again. Still negative.

In the meantime Ricky and I had started to discuss adoption. It has always been on my heart to consider adopting, but Ricky has always been less than eager to discuss it. However, as the months went by, we both started believing that maybe that was God's plan for our next child- to adopt. So we started reading and researching. I started daydreaming about what our second child would be like- how old? What gender? What race? We contacted an agency and requested an application in the mail. On Saturday, May 11th we received the packet and started reading through it. We were quite overwhelmed by everything we were reading, but in my mind this was what we had to do- it was God's calling on our life. At that point I was 10 days late on my period, but assumed it was because of my running and that I had done some damage to my cycle. Just to be sure, though, Ricky asked me to take one more test.

I reluctantly went into the bathroom to pee on one more stick. I intentionally disallowed myself to feel any hope that the test would say "pregnant," but to my shock and surprise, it did. I could barely speak and I walked into the room where Ricky was sitting and I tried to tell him but I couldn't talk, I just cried and showed him the test.

The day we found out happened to be the day before Mother's Day, so we had an excellent surprise for our mom's the next day. Since then we have been pretty tight-lipped about it, wanting to make sure that we survive the first trimester before shouting it to the world like we did in November. Maximus is already the most precious big brother. When you ask him what he's going to be, he says "big brother," then points to mommy's belly and says "baby, sleeping... kiss it." Then he insists on kissing my tummy. He may not fully understand what it means yet, but I think he is already falling in love with his future best buddy and sibling.

Rapprochement

The rapprochement developmental stage- ie: the "separation-individuation stage,"is one that I have read about many a times in my college and graduate school education. It is a stage I have often glossed over or memorized by rote repetition to pass a test. In my career, I have begun to understand the theories that link this critical stage to impaired coping in patients that I often see in my office. But in all of the times I have read about it, it never made me cry. That is, until last week.

Rapprochement is said to occur in a child between the ages of 15-24 months, which made it the perfect topic for one of my weekly emails I receive that give me updates on where Maximus should be developmentally. I think I got the email when he had just turned 19 months and as I read it I began to sob as though someone just told me my dog had died. Rapprochement, simply defined, is a time when the child begins to gain some autonomy and start pulling away from their mother. Ouch. You mean I can't be there every moment of Maximus' life, holding his hand and making everything 'all better.' You mean he won't always view me as his entire world? Ok, ok, I know eventually he will grow up-- but already? I am still completely infatuated and madly in love with everything about this child. How can I graciously accept the fact that he is moving on?

I have to. Its imperative that I do not stunt his growth in this stage. While my gut reaction is to continue to keep him close and smother him with my love and adoration (and a million kisses a day), thats not what he needs. A good mother goes through this stage with him, still being his security, but encouraging him to venture out a little bit. To help him gain self-confidence and a strong identity as he finds new role models- like daddy or older kids.

This is very hard for me. I must admit, part of me loves when I drop Maximus off at the church nursery, only to be called out 10 minutes later because he is desperately crying for me to come back. When someone else is holding him and he reaches for me, I smile inside. I dread and even become resentful of things that take me away from quality time with him- even fun things like nights out with the girls. And I don't care what time it is in the morning- when I hear that little voice through the monitor yell "MOOOMMMMMMMMY!" I jump out of bed and run to him, eager to scoop him up in my arms and cuddle him because I miss him all night long.

Maybe every mother feels like I do. Or maybe my bond with Maximus is extra special. Maybe I'm overly bonded to him. Regardless, I love him too much to allow anything but a healthy transition through this stage, so I pray for wisdom as I help him with it.

Grow Up Like Daddy

Maximus,

   Ever since you were born, 90% of people who see you say "oh he looks just like Ricky." Then I, as your momma, feign disappointment and jealousy and make a case for which features you have of mine. Even though I do get excited on the rare occasions that someone says you look like me, I am equally pleased when someone identifies characteristics of your daddy in you. Thats because, to me, he is the most wonderful man in the world and since I want nothing but the best for my son, I hope you grow up just like him.
   You turned 18 months old yesterday and it seems like in the past couple of months you have made the full transition from baby to little boy. This is the time that daddy has been looking forward to since we got married. Don't get me wrong- he has loved every minute with you since you were born, but he always said he couldn't wait to play with you. Now you are so fun. Let me emphasize this... SO FUN. We spend most of our evenings just watching you and laughing and playing until bedtime. Then once you are asleep we discuss over and over again how we got so blessed that you are ours. In God's perfect timing, these early years of yours have been right during the time that daddy is in school and therefore is able to be home with you three days of the week while I am at work. I think this is so good for both of you and I love hearing about what the two of you do while I am at work. I love it even more when he sends me pictures of you.
   I hope you realize at an early age just what a gift you have been given by being able to have your daddy as your role model. He is kind, selfless, humble, funny, easy-going, determined, handsome, athletic, smart and godly. He gives me a mark to aim for in my life. He is the type of person who will always sacrifice his own desires for others and never complain about anything. He is the type of person who doesn't say much but what he does say is usually wise. He is the type of person who can go from not working out in a year to running 5 miles at a fast pace just because he put his mind to it. And best of all, he is so sweet with you. He absolutely adores you. We both do, my love.
    You are already following in his footsteps. In my mind you are the most perfect kid I have ever known. You are so smart, cute hilarious, and good. The doctor saw you for your checkup today and again was blown away by how advanced your vocabulary is and how good your disposition is. You are an absolute joy to all who meet you, just like daddy.
 
I love you my little boy.

-Momma

Remember this...

Last night when I was holding Maximus in his room before putting him down for bed, he spontaneously picked his head up, pulled out his paci and gave me a little kiss on the lips. Then he put his paci back in his mouth and laid back down. I wanted to cry. It was the sweetest little gesture. Most of his kisses are because we ask for them. Maybe he will do this more as he gets older, I just don't want to forget that precious moment last night.

My November Baby

Dear November Baby,

  This is the only letter I will ever write you, and you will never read it. You were my baby only briefly and now you are gone and I am left sad and wishing you were still here inside of me.
  You were conceived at the beginning of November, I think I know the exact day. I knew I was pregnant right away, even though I wasn't having any pregnancy symptoms yet. I guess its just a feeling mom's get. On November 17th I took a pregnancy test in the morning and found out about you. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep. Then your brother Maximus woke up and I had him wake up your daddy and hand him the test and say "baby." Of course daddy was excited too. I bought us some treats and made a big, special dinner to celebrate that night. We started talking about names and whether you would be a boy or girl and how Maximus would interact with you.

  A few days later our family traveled to Ohio for Thanksgiving. We surprised the family during a game of catch phrase when daddy pretended the "phrase" on the game was "Maximus is going to be a Big Brother." It was so funny. Aunt Kelly got it pretty quickly but everyone else was confused. Once they figured it out everyone was very excited about the new little one coming into the family.
   On December 1st I started to have some spotting. I knew this was not a good sign and I talked to my good friend Charlene, who is a midwife. She comforted me and assured me that if it is just spotting, its probably ok. Unfortunately, each day that followed brought with it more and more blood, until I realized that you were no longer growing inside of me. Your daddy is still holding on to hope. He doesn't like talking about it until we see the doctor and know for sure. But I know. I guess its that same feeling I mentioned earlier.
    You were so small, so early on in your pursuit of life. But you were mine. You were no bigger than a lentil bean, but you would have already had a heart beat. You never got to see me or hear my voice, as your brain, spinal cord, intestines, eyes, nose and limbs were just starting to form, but I already imagined you in my mind and had plans for you. I am reminded that my plans are not always God's plans. It was not in His plan that you be born and fulfill the role I had in mind for you. But He knows you, and He has a role for you. He was the one knitting you together inside of me and I take comfort in knowing that someday in heaven I am going to have one extra kid who I love but never knew.

Until then,

Mommy

I Need a Video Camera Taped to my Hand

My dear little Maximus,
   You are absolutely the cutest thing in the world. I am so in love with you. Lately your cuteness seems to have taken on a new level. I think you are in a rapid growth stage because you are blowing my mind every day with things you are learning, saying and doing. I feel like I am always reaching for my camera to try to capture you so that I never forget any part of you. I guess thats in part why I write these blogs to you.

   As I am writing this we are wrapping up our visit in Ohio for the Thanksgiving holiday. I love being here. Your Grandma Nini really knows how to take care of us and let us all relax. Your daddy and I have so much fun with the family and your cousins love doting on you. We have been here for 10 days so far and visited most of our closest friends and family. I love bringing you to town to let everybody see you and get to know you because I am so proud of you and I don't think there is anything cuter than you in the world. Everyone adores you. You have learned so much from Charis and Gianna. This visit they taught you the Hokey Pokey and how to say "down" to grandma's dog Snickers. You have been talking a lot, and you love dancing with them. They do such a great job with you and I love watching you all play and laugh.
    You and I also spent a lot of alone time together this week while your cousins were at school and everyone else was at work. I love having quality time with you. You started eating apples this week like a big boy and its so cute to watch you. Also, your newest thing is rolling your eyes. You have had all of us cracking up because you do it at the most hilarious times. I am pretty sure you understand everything we say to you and you are very good at telling us what you want.
    Christmas is coming up and I cannot wait to experience all of it with you. You have been very captivated by all of the decorations and lights. You say "ho ho ho" when you see Santa Clause. I always loved Christmas as a kid but in the past several years I started seeing it as stressful rather than exciting. This year is different. Now, I am going to be experiencing Christmas through the eyes of a child again, and I think this will be even better than when I was a kid myself.
     I am so thankful for you baby. You bring me so much joy every single day. I hope you know how much I love you.