I Don't Want to Grow Up...

Hi My Sweet Boy,
 

Your 3rd Birthday Party

    Tomorrow you turn 3. I can't hardly believe it. We celebrated this weekend and today I spent much of the day going through pictures of you from when you were first born. It seems like just yesterday and yet it seems like a lifetime has already passed. You have filled my every day with laughter and amusement. I remain baffled by how intuitive you are. You are a wise little soul. You say things and ask questions that I never imagined a 2 year old could know enough to ask. For example, tonight after I tucked you in and was walking out of your room, you asked me, "is Jesus God?" I didn't quite know what to say. I hardly understand the marvel that is the Trinity, let alone was I prepared to communicate that to a toddler.

Dinosaur Party!

    This past year there has been so much change in our lives. Titus was born and you became a big brother. I have watched you transform into a kid from a baby. Tomorrow, in addition to turning three, you will be starting preschool. I will have to drop you off and kiss you goodbye and try to hold it together. I have been trying to prep myself for this milestone. I think you will do well. I hope you will join the class excitedly and not cry. At the same time, I hope that you will cling to me for a little bit and then turn and join your class but then look back at me before I leave.

Roller Skates for this Big Boy!

   You understand me very well and I am pretty sure you know just what to do and say to knowingly melt my heart. For example, a few weeks ago we shared a very special moment when I was tucking you into bed (I love that special time of the day... we usually laugh and pray and talk about your day and sing songs). I sang you the song "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift. Its one you know well because it is the song in the video I made you for your first birthday. Anyway, that night, I could tell you were really listening to the words, and when I was done singing you just looked at me and started crying and said "I don't want to grow up." I teared up and hugged you and told you that no matter what you will always be my baby. I felt so bad for making you sad with that song but I also loved the fact that you understood how sentimental this issue is. Since that night there have been several times that you look at me with a feigned sad face that hides an ornery grin and say in a dramatic voice, "I don't want to grow up," just because you know I love it when you say that. Of course I WANT you to grow up and be the strong, godly, outgoing, funny and brilliant man that I know you will be. I want to experience every moment along the way with you as my kid, then my teen, then my young man, then eventually the father of my grandbabies. But for now, I just wish I could freeze time, and keep you little.

Tomorrow is a big day for both of us baby. But its nighttime now and I need to go to sleep. I can't wait to wake up and see you in the morning!

Love,
Momma

DISNEYLAND

Maximus,
   We just returned from the world famous happiest-place-on-earth Disneyland Resort for our first official family vacation and it was a trip that deserves a blog post so that you can relive it one day since you most likely won't remember it at all.
   Last month I found out I was off work on my birthday and that I would have 5 days in a row to spend with my 3 boys. Since you are at the age where you are still free at Disney and daddy is off for summer, I thought it would be perfect timing to take you and Titus. So we threw this trip together in a matter of a couple of weeks.

On the way to Disneyland

   Coming hot off the heels of a 10 day Ohio trip, you and your brother have been very much off schedule, we have all been sleep-deprived and you have been fed a steady diet of less than healthy food. This all was the perfect setup for a high intensity, quick 4 day trip to one of the busiest and most exciting places on earth.  To add to the excitement, we have been building this trip with you up for the past three weeks.
   The day we left was Father's Day. Daddy, Titus and I were all sleeping soundly in our room when you came running in and greeted us with the cutest/funniest wake up call ever... "TODAY WE ARE GOING TO DISNEYLAND! ...AND I WANT TO SHOW YOU I HAVE A FULL DIAPER (turns to the side)." Daddy and I cracked up laughing as we so often do because of you. Then we got the minivan packed up and we were on our way...
   The next several hours were reminiscent of an old movie called "Griswold Family Vacation" that was a humorous film about the disasters that a family encountered trying to take a family trip.
   The drive was only 6 hours but it felt like an eternity. Titus HATES his carseat and he let us know that for the majority of the drive. When I hear one of my babies crying I get anxious and snappy, so it wasn't long before I was in a really bad mood. You were pretty good just relaxing in your seat watching movies but you kept peeing in your pull-up which frustrated me because you have been potty trained for several months. Then we parked to go to the bathroom at a gas station and somehow 300 flies (exaggeration) got trapped inside our van and we spent the remainder of the drive trying to shoe them out.

You at the pool where you met a friend.

   Finally, we arrived at the Disneyland Hotel only about 1 hour later than we had planned. We checked in and got in our swimsuits and decided to spend the afternoon at the pool. But when we got to the pool you became very nervous and hesitant and refused to go on the slides (even the little one for babies) so we basically just waded around in the knee deep water for a couple of hours then went in and got ready for dinner.
   Since it was Father's Day, we let daddy pick where we would go to eat. He decided on ESPN Zone and it seemed like a good fit because we could play games while we waited on our seat. However, while we were waiting you started to cry and complain of a tummy ache. We were playing air hockey and all of the sudden I saw what looked like a string of vomit coming out of your mouth. I sprinted over to you, picked you up and ran to the bathroom. You were crying by that point as I tried to convince you to throw up in the potty. You never did throw up and we chalked it up to a stomach ache from being over-hungry. Still, we didn't want to take any chances in case you were sick so we ended up getting food to go and eating in the hotel room and watching fireworks through the window.
   The next morning you got a wake up call from Mickey Mouse. It was so cute. The phone startled you out of sleep and you started crying, but then when you heard Mickey's voice you jumped up and were so excited and said in your sleepy voice "ITS MICKEY! WE'VE GOT TO GET UP AND GO SEE HIM!" So Day 2 started.

Diaper change on the Ferris Wheel

   It was overall a pretty good day. We went early to California Adventure Park for the extra hour that we got for staying at the park. We figured it was a good time to go on some of the more popular rides so we wouldn't have to wait in line. Unfortunately Titus was on a different schedule than the rest of us and ended up being hungry right at the start of our day and then having a meltdown and diaper blow out on the Ferris Wheel- our second ride of the day. We spent the rest of the day going on different rides and stopped briefly for a nap midday. By the end of the day you were quite exhausted and hungry. We made it to dinner at a pizza place in downtown Disney just in time for you to have a meltdown and Titus to have another diaper blowout. We cleaned him up and calmed you down and then you spilled your entire glass of water all over the table and floor. Daddy and I were basically just laughing at this point because nothing was going smoothly. Luckily we made it back to the hotel and everyone got a good night sleep in preparation for our next big day in Disneyland Park.

Meeting Sophia the First

    Day three went much smoother. It was my birthday and you made it very special. You and daddy gave me cards in the morning and later that morning you handed me a beautiful yellow leaf and told me it was for my birthday. It was so special and I plan to save it forever. You were happy all day and could often be seen singing your go-to song when you are excited "Baby baby oh," by Justin Bieber. You were still a bit timid to ride some of the rides (after waiting 50 mins in line you decided you didn't want to ride Peter Pan- you still did though). We had a great day. You rode a lot of rides and LOVED meeting Mickey Mouse. This was good considering the day before you were terrified of Sophia the First.
      The day we went home we had breakfast with the characters. That was a special tradition we always did with my family when I was a kid and I wanted you to get to experience it too. Luckily we got to see a lot of characters- Mickey, Pluto, Daisy and -your favorite- Minnie. You had missed her at the park and so it was a big deal when you got to see her. She made over you a lot and the Daisy came over and they were both fighting over you. It was really cute and I could tell you loved having all of the attention.
    Now we are home and you still talk about Disney all of the time. I can't wait to go back again!

Daddy's Boy

Maximus,
  Today was rough. Today you were mean to me and ignored me and disobeyed me almost constantly. To be clear- you almost never act like that. You are usually such a good boy and are usually so sweet to me. The strangest thing is that today was such a fun day that I planned specifically for you! You got to sleep in the big bed last night. We woke up at 5:30 am (your choice, not mine). We had breakfast and played for awhile then went to tball practice, then to the splash pad with friends and had popsicles. Then after nap we invited one of your friends over to play. It would have been a good day if it weren't filled with tantrums, the word "no" and even you pushing me. I was completely baffled all day. Who was this child? Why was he all of the sudden acting like this?
   Then tonight I realized- you miss your daddy. Daddy is in Colorado with Paps and has been gone for over 24 hours and will be gone for 3 more days. I realized how much of an impact this is having on you when I was putting you to bed and instead of singing "Jesus Loves Me" you asked me to sing "Daddy Loves Me."

   Ever since Titus was born you and daddy have become best buddies. He usually tucks you in at night now. He plays tball with you. He makes you laugh all of the time. And today I tried to do all of that with you. Even though you and I also have a very special relationship, I think you are really struggling with the fact that daddy is not here to do all of that this weekend. Luckily he is rarely out of town so you don't have to be away from him very much. You are also so lucky to have a daddy as great as him that allows you to form such a connection.
  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I enjoy every moment I am with you, even on days like today. I just hope there is more laughter than crying tomorrow. You are my world. I love you so much and so does daddy.

Mommy

Titus is Here!

Well Maximus,
   This week our little family officially grew to four. Your little brother, Titus Michael was born on Sunday 1/12/2014. So far he has had a somewhat bumpy road but overall is very healthy and a very good baby. I think we are all very much in love with him. Even you- the once only child who got all of mommy and daddy's attention before- seem to want Titus in the room with you all of the time and can't seem to resist kissing his sweet little face and hands.
   I will never forget the day he was born. He arrived at exactly 6pm. You were in the waiting room with Grammy, Paps, Aubie and Brandon. Once the baby was here you all were invited back into the room. There you came, my world, my sweet boy- running into the room yelling "mommy!"  I was so happy to see you and pull you up on the bed with me for a hug. Then I introduced you to your new baby brother. You were kind of quiet and stared at him intently as you took him in and finally made sense of everything mommy and daddy had been telling you about Titus coming out of mommy's belly to be your brother. Then you kissed him and said hello to him. I asked you if you wanted to sing to him and you said yes. Then you sang "Everything Has Changed," a song by Taylor Swift that you and I always sang to Titus when were driving in the car. I sang along with you for a little bit before I started to choke up at how precious and perfect everything in that moment was.
  Soon Titus had to go to the NICU for some evaluation and treatment and unfortunately that is where he had to stay for 48 hours until we went home. During those 48 hours you visited a few times. You had fun with mommy and daddy but would always get so sad because you weren't allowed to go in to see "baby Titus." Finally, on the third evening he was released and we all got to go home together.
   Since we have been home you have still been sweet to him but seem to be having a little bit of a typical first child reaction. You are telling us "no" a lot more and have been a little bit more emotional than usual. Daddy and I are doing what we can to keep things as normal for you as possible including playing with you and keeping your bedtime routine as special and intimate.  I have to admit, I myself have been emotional thinking about what this means for all of us and I am so afraid that somehow you will interpret Titus' arrival as you being replaced or loved less. Even if you only have that thought fleetingly, I can't stand for you to ever think it. You are and always will be my first baby. That makes you very special, even though I already love Titus like I love you. My love has doubled, not split.

I am so excited about the days, weeks and years to come with our family of four.  I adore you my sweet boy.
-Mommy

Visiting through the glass at the NICU

 


PS: Titus looks almost exactly like you did when you were born. Now every time I look at him I not only get to create new memories, but it brings me back to when you were a newborn.
 

Slow Dancing

Maximus,
 
   It is December, 2013 and life is busy as usual. More so, in fact, because it is Christmas time and your baby brother is due in one month so we have been hectically trying to prepare everything. In the midst of all the hustle and bustle, though, God has blessed me with some very sweet and intimate moments with you. This past Saturday was one example of that. We woke up and had breakfast and started carrying out our daily activities as usual. You were busy playing "rapid-fire soccer" in the living room- a game you and daddy made up that you spend most of the day playing, I was cleaning in the kitchen, and daddy went to run an errand. Then you came in and wanted me to hold you. You asked me to turn on music in the kitchen, which we do a lot. Then we started dancing. You sat on my big pregnant belly and laid your head on my shoulder. I thought this would be a brief, sweet moment and tried my best to soak it up, because usually I only get a few minutes with you where you want to be held and cuddled. But on that day, you just let the music keep playing and you stayed in my arms. We slow danced, fast danced, sang along with the songs and I just kept telling you how much I love you. For over 30 minutes we did that and I cherished every moment.
   What makes moments like that so special is the reality that soon they will be even more rare. I guess if I have one fear about your baby brother coming it is that you will somehow feel like I love you less because I won't get to give you as much personal attention. Since you have been born I have put you to bed almost every single night. I have always been the one to give you baths and to come hold you in the middle of the night if you wake up crying, and on my days off you and I spend a lot of time playing together. Soon some of those things will change and I know I won't be as available as I want to be for you. I just hope that you don't interpret that as me loving you any less. When your brother comes we will all be in transition but I know it will lead to even more joy and love than we are already blessed with. I can't even imagine it, and I will do everything in my power to show you that my love is growing, not splitting.

I love you my sweet boy. Thank you for the precious moments we spend together.

-Mommy
 

Mommy, Calm Down

Hi sweet boy,

      Well at this point I am 7.5 months pregnant with your baby brother. As your daddy can attest to, this pregnancy has taken an emotional toll on me. Its something you will probably never really understand- even when your future wife is pregnant with your babies- but pregnancy really increases a woman's emotions. This pregnancy has been pretty bad with regards to that. I have found myself feeling anxious, sad and irritable more often than I ever did pre-pregnancy.
     Regardless of how I am feeling, I have made it a point not to over-expose you to intense and fluctuating emotions, because I think that can make a child feel confused and vulnerable. So for the first two years of your life, I have worked hard to leave the room if I am about to cry or feeling particularly angry. That is, until two days ago.
    It was Halloween night. I had to work, but I requested to leave an hour early so I could get home to get you dressed up in your Mickey Mouse costume and start this special night of memory-making with you and daddy. I had expectations of how that night would go.
    However, as I have learned, expectations can often lead to disappointment.  A lot went wrong that night and I became increasingly anxious. By the time we told our friends who had come over goodbye, you were in full tantrum mode, my phone had died and I had only gotten a few pictures of you, you hadn't eaten anything the whole night except a sucker and starbursts, the dogs had eaten your dinner right off the plate and I felt like we didn't get to make the precious memories I had hoped for. So, we waved off our friends, closed the door, and I broke down into a sob. I had been holding it back all night and couldn't seem to hold it in long enough to put you down and walk away. So, there we were, in our living room with me holding you while you cried and I start sobbing.
     Maximus, the look on your face when this happened broke my heart. You stopped crying for a moment, looked at me with terror and grabbed my face with both of your little hands and said "Mommy calm down!" You started crying again and just kept trying to calm me down. You were so bothered by me crying and I felt so guilty for exposing you to that.
     I will never forget that precious moment and I will try to never make you upset in that way again. You are so tender and sweet. I'm sorry I scared you my love. I adore you.

Addiction, Baby Brother and Big Boy Bed

Maximus,
    Sometimes I need to sit down and write to you because I am so full of emotion I feel like I will burst if I don't get it out. Fortunately, with you, that emotion is usually all very positive and good emotion. But in my efforts to not smother you with affection (see the post on rapprochement), I sometimes need another outlet to express how much I love you. The level of joy and contentment I feel since having you is unlike anything I ever thought possible. Which is why I have reasonably concluded that I am probably on the road to being an addict.  A baby/toddler addict, that is.
    You see, when people suffer from addiction, there is some substance or behavior that gives them such a sense of euphoria or calmness that the sheer thought of ever living without it terrifies them. Therefore, they go to any and all lengths to keep up their addiction and to never be without the thing they are addicted to, be it drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. For me, it's you. This stage you are in now is so incredibly wonderful that I can't think of words powerful enough to describe it. You are so so funny. And sweet. And smart. And cute... etc. I can be having an awful day and I see your face and its like the best day of my life. So, it makes me terrified to think--- "what will I ever do without this same level of euphoria?" Then I think, "I will need to keep having kids every few years so that my home is never without this level of happiness." Obviously this is not rational, but with addiction rational thinking goes out the window. So who knows, I might end up like one of those women with 20 kids :). I guess the good news for now is that you are going to have a little brother around so the fun will continue- only probably be twice as great because now there will be two of you.

Kissing baby brother

   I really hope you love your little brother. I hope he is like you. I can't imagine how it will feel to have two of you to love. I just may burst. Right now you are kind of hesitant about the whole "new baby" concept. Whenever we talk about the baby you change the subject- but every once in awhile you come over unprompted and talk to the baby in my belly, or poke at him. You usually say "come out baby" or ask me if he is sleeping. I think you will love him, and I promise that I will do whatever I can to make sure you don't feel left out when he arrives.

Pee pee in the potty!

   You are really growing up, little boy. This past month we have been working on potty training and you even wear big boy undies a lot now. Also two weeks ago we converted your baby crib to a big boy bed. Of course I sobbed. It was hard taking down your musical mobile that I used to turn on and listen to before you were born. I would daydream about what you would be like. Now you are too old for it and its put away in your closet. Anyway, you have done well in your big boy
bed, but you have gotten into the habit of getting up in the middle of the night, walking all the way across the house in the dark, sneaking into our room and putting your little hand up on the bed and saying "mommy I want to sleep in big bed." Holy cow- do you know how hard it is to turn that down? Sometimes I indulge and pull you right up between me and daddy and let you sleep with us for a few hours, but in the interest of maintaining your good sleep habits, I usually bring you back to your bed. Last night,

Sleeping on the floor
next to mommy's bed

First night in a
big boy bed.

though, you were particularly sneaky. I got up at 1:00am to go potty. I stepped down off the bed in the dark and my foot bumped something soft. I wondered what in the world I had dropped off my bed when my foot bumped into a little hand. There you were, at 1am, sleeping on the floor next to my bed.
I think you knew I would bring you back to your room if you woke me up, so you opted to sleep on the floor next to me instead. It warmed my heart and made me cry at the same time. You are so incredibly precious. I love the bond we have and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
   I also love tucking you in at night. Usually daddy and I are both there. You lay in your big boy bed and say "mommy sleep with us" which is your way of asking me to sleep with you and I lay with you while we all sing together. You usually pick "Jesus Loves Me" or "Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw and then sing along to every word. Your voice is so sweet and that time is so special. I need to find a way to videotape it so that I can relive it when you outgrow this stage.

Well, I think I will end this now. I think I have purged out enough emotion to keep me stable for awhile. I love you so much sweet boy. Nothing could ever change that.

-Mommy