Rapprochement

The rapprochement developmental stage- ie: the "separation-individuation stage,"is one that I have read about many a times in my college and graduate school education. It is a stage I have often glossed over or memorized by rote repetition to pass a test. In my career, I have begun to understand the theories that link this critical stage to impaired coping in patients that I often see in my office. But in all of the times I have read about it, it never made me cry. That is, until last week.

Rapprochement is said to occur in a child between the ages of 15-24 months, which made it the perfect topic for one of my weekly emails I receive that give me updates on where Maximus should be developmentally. I think I got the email when he had just turned 19 months and as I read it I began to sob as though someone just told me my dog had died. Rapprochement, simply defined, is a time when the child begins to gain some autonomy and start pulling away from their mother. Ouch. You mean I can't be there every moment of Maximus' life, holding his hand and making everything 'all better.' You mean he won't always view me as his entire world? Ok, ok, I know eventually he will grow up-- but already? I am still completely infatuated and madly in love with everything about this child. How can I graciously accept the fact that he is moving on?

I have to. Its imperative that I do not stunt his growth in this stage. While my gut reaction is to continue to keep him close and smother him with my love and adoration (and a million kisses a day), thats not what he needs. A good mother goes through this stage with him, still being his security, but encouraging him to venture out a little bit. To help him gain self-confidence and a strong identity as he finds new role models- like daddy or older kids.

This is very hard for me. I must admit, part of me loves when I drop Maximus off at the church nursery, only to be called out 10 minutes later because he is desperately crying for me to come back. When someone else is holding him and he reaches for me, I smile inside. I dread and even become resentful of things that take me away from quality time with him- even fun things like nights out with the girls. And I don't care what time it is in the morning- when I hear that little voice through the monitor yell "MOOOMMMMMMMMY!" I jump out of bed and run to him, eager to scoop him up in my arms and cuddle him because I miss him all night long.

Maybe every mother feels like I do. Or maybe my bond with Maximus is extra special. Maybe I'm overly bonded to him. Regardless, I love him too much to allow anything but a healthy transition through this stage, so I pray for wisdom as I help him with it.

Grow Up Like Daddy

Maximus,

   Ever since you were born, 90% of people who see you say "oh he looks just like Ricky." Then I, as your momma, feign disappointment and jealousy and make a case for which features you have of mine. Even though I do get excited on the rare occasions that someone says you look like me, I am equally pleased when someone identifies characteristics of your daddy in you. Thats because, to me, he is the most wonderful man in the world and since I want nothing but the best for my son, I hope you grow up just like him.
   You turned 18 months old yesterday and it seems like in the past couple of months you have made the full transition from baby to little boy. This is the time that daddy has been looking forward to since we got married. Don't get me wrong- he has loved every minute with you since you were born, but he always said he couldn't wait to play with you. Now you are so fun. Let me emphasize this... SO FUN. We spend most of our evenings just watching you and laughing and playing until bedtime. Then once you are asleep we discuss over and over again how we got so blessed that you are ours. In God's perfect timing, these early years of yours have been right during the time that daddy is in school and therefore is able to be home with you three days of the week while I am at work. I think this is so good for both of you and I love hearing about what the two of you do while I am at work. I love it even more when he sends me pictures of you.
   I hope you realize at an early age just what a gift you have been given by being able to have your daddy as your role model. He is kind, selfless, humble, funny, easy-going, determined, handsome, athletic, smart and godly. He gives me a mark to aim for in my life. He is the type of person who will always sacrifice his own desires for others and never complain about anything. He is the type of person who doesn't say much but what he does say is usually wise. He is the type of person who can go from not working out in a year to running 5 miles at a fast pace just because he put his mind to it. And best of all, he is so sweet with you. He absolutely adores you. We both do, my love.
    You are already following in his footsteps. In my mind you are the most perfect kid I have ever known. You are so smart, cute hilarious, and good. The doctor saw you for your checkup today and again was blown away by how advanced your vocabulary is and how good your disposition is. You are an absolute joy to all who meet you, just like daddy.
 
I love you my little boy.

-Momma

Remember this...

Last night when I was holding Maximus in his room before putting him down for bed, he spontaneously picked his head up, pulled out his paci and gave me a little kiss on the lips. Then he put his paci back in his mouth and laid back down. I wanted to cry. It was the sweetest little gesture. Most of his kisses are because we ask for them. Maybe he will do this more as he gets older, I just don't want to forget that precious moment last night.

My November Baby

Dear November Baby,

  This is the only letter I will ever write you, and you will never read it. You were my baby only briefly and now you are gone and I am left sad and wishing you were still here inside of me.
  You were conceived at the beginning of November, I think I know the exact day. I knew I was pregnant right away, even though I wasn't having any pregnancy symptoms yet. I guess its just a feeling mom's get. On November 17th I took a pregnancy test in the morning and found out about you. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep. Then your brother Maximus woke up and I had him wake up your daddy and hand him the test and say "baby." Of course daddy was excited too. I bought us some treats and made a big, special dinner to celebrate that night. We started talking about names and whether you would be a boy or girl and how Maximus would interact with you.

  A few days later our family traveled to Ohio for Thanksgiving. We surprised the family during a game of catch phrase when daddy pretended the "phrase" on the game was "Maximus is going to be a Big Brother." It was so funny. Aunt Kelly got it pretty quickly but everyone else was confused. Once they figured it out everyone was very excited about the new little one coming into the family.
   On December 1st I started to have some spotting. I knew this was not a good sign and I talked to my good friend Charlene, who is a midwife. She comforted me and assured me that if it is just spotting, its probably ok. Unfortunately, each day that followed brought with it more and more blood, until I realized that you were no longer growing inside of me. Your daddy is still holding on to hope. He doesn't like talking about it until we see the doctor and know for sure. But I know. I guess its that same feeling I mentioned earlier.
    You were so small, so early on in your pursuit of life. But you were mine. You were no bigger than a lentil bean, but you would have already had a heart beat. You never got to see me or hear my voice, as your brain, spinal cord, intestines, eyes, nose and limbs were just starting to form, but I already imagined you in my mind and had plans for you. I am reminded that my plans are not always God's plans. It was not in His plan that you be born and fulfill the role I had in mind for you. But He knows you, and He has a role for you. He was the one knitting you together inside of me and I take comfort in knowing that someday in heaven I am going to have one extra kid who I love but never knew.

Until then,

Mommy

I Need a Video Camera Taped to my Hand

My dear little Maximus,
   You are absolutely the cutest thing in the world. I am so in love with you. Lately your cuteness seems to have taken on a new level. I think you are in a rapid growth stage because you are blowing my mind every day with things you are learning, saying and doing. I feel like I am always reaching for my camera to try to capture you so that I never forget any part of you. I guess thats in part why I write these blogs to you.

   As I am writing this we are wrapping up our visit in Ohio for the Thanksgiving holiday. I love being here. Your Grandma Nini really knows how to take care of us and let us all relax. Your daddy and I have so much fun with the family and your cousins love doting on you. We have been here for 10 days so far and visited most of our closest friends and family. I love bringing you to town to let everybody see you and get to know you because I am so proud of you and I don't think there is anything cuter than you in the world. Everyone adores you. You have learned so much from Charis and Gianna. This visit they taught you the Hokey Pokey and how to say "down" to grandma's dog Snickers. You have been talking a lot, and you love dancing with them. They do such a great job with you and I love watching you all play and laugh.
    You and I also spent a lot of alone time together this week while your cousins were at school and everyone else was at work. I love having quality time with you. You started eating apples this week like a big boy and its so cute to watch you. Also, your newest thing is rolling your eyes. You have had all of us cracking up because you do it at the most hilarious times. I am pretty sure you understand everything we say to you and you are very good at telling us what you want.
    Christmas is coming up and I cannot wait to experience all of it with you. You have been very captivated by all of the decorations and lights. You say "ho ho ho" when you see Santa Clause. I always loved Christmas as a kid but in the past several years I started seeing it as stressful rather than exciting. This year is different. Now, I am going to be experiencing Christmas through the eyes of a child again, and I think this will be even better than when I was a kid myself.
     I am so thankful for you baby. You bring me so much joy every single day. I hope you know how much I love you.

Your First Year

Well, my little man, in a couple of weeks we will be celebrating your first birthday. I have been keeping myself busy and focused on planning you a couple of parties- one we just celebrated this weekend in Columbus with daddy's side of the family, and one we will be celebrating on your actual birthday with all your Arizona friends and family.
  Planning these parties keeps my mind off the fact that I am sad that this first year is coming to an end.  Don't get me wrong- I am so happy that you are healthy and doing so well, and I am so excited about being your mommy in the years to come, but still, the first birthday is kind of bittersweet. Its bittersweet because it marks the end of what has been, by far, the best year of my life.

"Smoldering Eyes"

  From the moment I laid eyes on you, my life changed so much, and all for the better. I went from being overly concerned with cleaning and keeping things in order to letting the house be full of trucks, blocks, basketballs and other baby toys. Instead of being bothered by fingerprints on the glass doors, I like to look at them and see how your sweet hands have pushed on the glass as your steady yourself to walk or pull up. I went from needing 8+ hours of sleep per night to waking up in the middle of the night missing you and wishing you would wake up so I could hold you.

"Ba-ba-Baw"

  You have changed a lot in the past year too. You started sleeping through the night at around 7 months old, you have gotten 8 teeth so far, you took your first steps at 9.5 months, and now you are running all around the house. At your 9 month check up your doctor was blown away by your communication skills. She said you were very smart for your age. We think you are very assertive. You always know exactly what you want and you are good at telling us. You are silly- you like giving us "smoldering eyes" when you sit at the dinner table, you smile and laugh a lot. You love mommy to sing to you in the car (even though I have a terrible voice), and you are absolutely obsessed with basketballs. We think that was your first word- you always point to your basketball and say "Ba-ba-baw" then move your hand up and down like you are dribbling. You are also a really good eater. You are small for your age but you eat everything, and a lot of it! You usually like eating whatever mommy and daddy are eating best. You don't like sitting in your high chair waiting on the food, and sometimes you cry, but you always stop crying when we start to pray, because you know that means food is next!  You and I are pretty much attached at the hip. I have had to leave church a few times because you cry when we are separated. You usually don't let me make dinner without holding you in one of my arms, and you melt my heart every night when you lay your head on my shoulder before going to sleep.
  Now, at only 11.5 months, you have captured the heart of your mommy, daddy, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and many others. You have SO MANY people who love you and I thank God for that. I pray for you every night as I hold you in my arms that you feel loved all the days of your life. I am pretty sure that it is guaranteed you will.
   I love you so much my boy, and I can't wait to see what this next year holds.
Love,
Momma

Baby's Best Friend

In college I bought Trooper. He was my little buddy. He slept with me, traveled with me and freaked out when we were apart.  Years later when I was married and living in Arizona, two of our friends convinced us to take in a rescue dog that they were fostering. She was a sweet, beautiful little mutt and we named her Genji. She and Trooper seemed to get a long just fine despite the fact that Trooper had so enjoyed being the "only child."
In August 2011, when I was 8 months pregnant, we ended up with a third dog. This dog was completely unanticipated. He had been abandoned and was near death in my parent's complex when we found him. He took an immediate attachment to Ricky and there was no separating them. We called him Bones and prepared for life with three dogs and a new baby.  Trooper was not thrilled with the new dog (especially because he had not been neutered) but he tolerated him pretty well.  We were just worried about how Trooper, the original "only child" would respond when a new human baby entered the home and took over all of our attention and energy.
We were quite pleasantly surprised. Trooper immediately loved Maximus and became his protector. From the very beginning he would always be by Maximus' side and in every picture of Maximus you would find Trooper nearby. He so loved that baby from the moment he laid eyes on him.


Earlier this week I put Maximus down for a nap.  As always, Trooper was at my heel and followed me into the room where I laid Maximus down.  Then I closed the door and left. An hour later I heard what sounded like a dog collar shaking coming through the monitor. I looked around for Trooper and found him trapped in the baby's room.  Now... if you know Trooper you know that that dog never tolerates being closed in or locked out.  Usually he barks, scratches, jumps and goes crazy. But this time I think he knew that he was with Maximus and that he could not bark and wake him up.  I think he was content just being in the room with his little buddy.  Its a very endearing memory that I hope to hold on to.