My Ohio Boy

 Dear Max,

   I am sitting at the airport in Columbus with you right now and acutely aware of how much joy you bring to my life. You and I just took a short 2 day trip to Ohio for my Grandma Hupp's 90th birthday. We arrived at 2am Friday morning and you were giddy. I am not sure what it is exactly but you just LOVE being in Ohio. We came in the fall so I have to admit the leaves are nice and Buckeye football is in the air. This is the time of year that I like Ohio pretty well too. But at this point you are pretty confident that you want to live here someday. You've talked about going to Ohio State but as of right now you are agreeable to going to University of Arizona in Flagstaff so that you are still in state but with more of the cold weather that you like. 

   The first day we were here we visited with grandma Dee and Nanny during the day and then drove to my Uncle Joe and Aunt Sue's house. On our way there you saw a field goal post and wanted to stop to play some football. So we stopped and played a little while. It was nice. It was beautiful out and the air was crisp. Neither of us could kick a field goal so we settled on punting it and running some routes together. 

   Yesterday was my grandma's birthday party and you were just so sweet with all of my family. You were the only one there your age but you kept yourself busy playing with the dogs and younger kids and talking with the adults. Everyone kept saying how mature you were. You make me proud all the time. 

   Driving to the airport we stopped and got some Chilli Cheese Burritos from Taco Bell and then dropped off the rental car. On the way to the terminal we were sitting on the shuttle and I had my arm around you. I envisioned being back here in 6 years dropping you off at college and felt a little panicked! But then I decided to just stay in the moment and be grateful to have you there in my arms, heading back home with me. You make my life better and you have ever since you were born.

I love you so much,

Mom

The Easter Bunny, the Birds and the Bees

 Maximus,

  A few weeks ago we had "the talk." You were wanting some "swaggy clothes" so we went shopping.  Side note- you and I have very different ideas of what is swaggy at this point in your life (see photo of the outfit you wanted to wear to your school Night of Excellence... in May... in Arizona!). Anyway, I let you sit in the front seat in the van, which you are still a little young for. I wanted to take the opportunity to talk to you about some pretty grown up things. First, I asked you if you believed in the Easter Bunny. You said 'yes' initially which I interpreted as your effort to tell me what you thought I wanted to hear. I said, "its ok if you don't" and you said that you have thought it was kind of a weird concept for a couple of years now. [Side note- it IS a weird and kind of creepy concept, haha]. Ultimately I told you that the Easter Bunny is not real but is something grown ups do to make the really important holiday of Easter fun for kids. 

With that out of the way I figured we might as well move right on to the sex talk. Since I am friends with the mom's of many of your friends I had caught wind that this information was becoming more readily available in 4th grade and I wanted to make sure you heard it from me or dad first. Dad was more than happy to yield to me on this one. I asked you if you know what sex is. You looked at me in shock. You answered honestly that you had an idea but didn't really know. So we talked about it. We talked about the good and the bad.  You were clearly a bit uncomfortable but you were very mature and had some pretty insightful questions about STDs and otherwise. I felt like the conversation went about as well as it could have and we ended with you knowing there was no question that was off limits if you ever wanted to talk more.

We didn't talk about Santa... I wasn't ready for that ;).

Just one more step of growing up. Every night when I tuck you in I still sing the Taylor Swift song to you, "Never Grow Up." I've done this for many years but now at the end I add, "but it's ok to grow up and I am happy I get to be a part of it."

I love you,

 Mom

4th Grade Field Trip and Mom/Max Ski Trip

 Hey buddy!

  I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how proud I am of you. A couple weeks ago I went with you on your 4th grade field trip with you as a chaperone. It was the first time in 2 years that you had a field trip because of the pandemic and I was one of the lucky few parents to get to go. 

 

We went to the AZ Museum of Natural History which was really cool because that was your favorite place as a little kid when you were obsessed with dinosaurs. We even had your 3rd birthday party there! And now as a big kid you have been very interested in learning about Native American tribes and culture.

  It was so fun for me to be able to observe you with your classmates and see how you all interacted. It was clear that everyone liked and respected you. You seem to be a leader among your friends. I was most impressedwith how you interacted with people who weren't your friends. You included kids who were being left out and you were respectful and inquisitive to the adults who were tasked with teaching groups of rowdy 4th graders about natural history. 

  On one occasion there was an old man teaching about something and he was clearly getting frustrated and irritable toward the kids. He kind of snapped which only seemed to make some of the kids act worse. But then you, noticing his frustration and having empathy for him, made it a point to ask some good, thoughtful questions and helped him to calm down. 

   I was so impressed and proud that day. Even when you are naughty or whiney or fight with your brother, I know you are a good good kid.

   Last week you and I took a quick trip up to Flagstaff and spent a day skiing. Just you and me. I loved it. I loved that you wanted to spend the time with me. We laughed a lot. Got a little panicked on the chair lift, and got better at skiing, considering we are both amateurs. We made a lot of great memories.

I love you bud.

Happy Birthday to Me!

 Maximus,

  Well I turned 38 this week. I can't believe I am already this old! As the phrase goes, "the days are long but the years are short." I can definitely relate to that, especially since you were born. 

  My birthday fell on a Thursday and my work always gives us our birthday off so I was off work. Unfortunately dad had a basketball camp in Colorado with his new team so he had to leave town. I didn't really have anything planned for my actual birthday day and I was a little bummed about it but it ended up being a nearly perfect day, because I got to spend it with you and Titus. 

  You both came in my room and woke me up around 6am. I didn't mind the early wake up call because we all just laid there and talked and laughed for awhile. We used to always do that but it doesn't happen as much now that you guys love to play video games in the mornings ;). At one point Titus whispered something to you and then shortly after you asked him to help you with something in the other room. 10 minutes late you came in with your signature "breakfast in bed" that you like to do on holidays for me. It was cute and you get so excited presenting it to me.

   The rest of the day was pretty laid back. I went to a favorite workout class, we spent a couple hours with the Dwiggins and then you me and Titus swam, played basketball and video games together until your swim meet. You got a 4th place and 8th place in your two races and I loved cheering you on. After we left you said, "hey mom thanks for being such a good cheerer for me." That made my day. I told you "Of course, I am your biggest fan!" And that is very true.

  I have been so proud of you taking on swim team. I signed you up just to try it but you were not very happy about it the first couple of weeks. Practice is every morning at 7am and it is hard work. You would get really nervous and sometimes want to quit halfway through practice, but you never did. You are slowly gaining in confidence. You are really athletic so most sports come naturally to you but this has been more challenging than others. Still you are pushing through it and doing awesome.

   I love you so much buddy. I am so proud and honored to be your mom. Thanks for making my birthday so special.

Turning 9 in 2020

 Dear Maximus,

  A lot has happened since I last wrote on this blog. Its 2020 and I believe this year will go down in history for sure. It is the year of Covid-19, the deadly virus that has spread throughout the world and led to subsequent quarantines, shut down of many businesses, working and schooling from home, mask mandates and a lot of fear. Our family has spent a lot of time together. You and Titus went on Spring break and never returned for the remainder of your school year. This was especially sad because you had Ms. Payne, the best teacher ever, and didn't get to finish the school year with her and see the baby chicks hatch in her room. You did get to watch a live feed though, so that was cool. Luckily we got a pool in April so we have been able to swim all summer. Sometimes you swim laps with me.  I have been working from home for the most part since March so anytime I had a break in my day I would run out for a quick hug from you and Titus. You were usually always playing basketball or video games while I was working. We started off the new school year from home but last week you were able to return to in-person learning. So far 3rd grade is going well for you.

2020 has also been a year of intense riots and protests regarding social justice issues, the police and the group "Black Lives Matter." There is a lot of political unrest. Many people hate Donald Trump. There was a group of people in Seattle who took over several city blocks called CHOP. The wild fires are some of the worst the country has ever seen. There was also an emergency of killer hornets out of Africa, and sewer rats in the US that can be up to 40lbs. There are a lot of horrible things to focus on in the news, which has made me want to focus on the joy you and Titus bring me even more. 

 Tomorrow you turn 9. I really can't believe it. In some ways your years flew by and I feel like I was just  here in this same spot in the living room with my hand on my belly feeling you kick. On the other hand, some of the memories of your infant and toddler years feel like a lifetime ago. I guess that is how it is when you love someone so much and have watched them grow. You have impacted my life unlike anything or anyone before you. You made my heart love in a whole new way. 

We got you a new bike and some pjs, a Phoenix Suns wallet and a silk pillow case (you wanted one so bad, haha) for your birthday. It was the first birthday where there were no toys. You almost never play with toys anymore. In fact, even Titus doesn't really play with them. It was a sad realization for me. I used to get frustrated by all the toys around the house and the seemingly endless amounts of cleaning up I was always doing. I dreaded the excess of toys after a holiday and the arduous task of finding a way to organize everything. Now, I no longer have those "problems" but I also no longer get to watch you sit and play toys in the little creative world of your sweet mind. Don't get me wrong, I have also been really enjoying this phase of your life. You and I went and played tennis together last weekend after getting some groceries and stuff for your birthday party. You picked up the tennis really quickly and we had a lot of fun laughing and talking together. You have also been a big help around the house and you are growing up tobe very kind and responsible. I always notice things about you that remind me of myself as a kid. It makes me feel really proud.

I love you. I hope you have a happy birthday, buddy.

 

Santa Claus

Maximus,


  It's December 2019. Last week we celebrated Thanksgiving and the next day we decorated our house for Christmas. We listened to Christmas music all weekend long. You love playing the song "Simply having a Wonderful Christmas Time" while having a fake snowball fight in our dining/living rooms. Your Elf on the Shelf "Geri" made her appearance. This year she had a baby with her. She and the Grudecki's elf "Zipper" got married last year and have a baby now :). You and Titus have been talking about them for weeks in anticipation of this time of year.  Christmas has always been myfavorite holiday but ever since you were born it has been a whole new level of special. Getting to see you and Titus experience the magic and excitement of Christmas brings me pure joy and I have tried my best to make it special every year.

  I have never questioned whether or not to "let you" believe in Santa Claus. Some parents feel it is "lying" to kids and advise against it. For me though, it was always so special as a kid to believe in Santa, so we have always promoted that in our house and you have always been so excited about Santa, believing whole-heartedly. As I have watched you mature so much in this past year I have realized that this may be your last year believing. While it makes me sad, I figured we would just make this year extra special (ex: Geri's baby) and start some new traditions (like making Christmas fudge which I used to do with my grandpa). I could tell you were starting to take a more practical look at the magical aspects of Christmas and you already stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy last year. I imagined we would have a conversation after Christmas and I would answer any questions you have about Santa.

  Unfortunately this past Saturday a couple of older kids told you that Santa isn't real. We didn't know the kids and they were kind of bratty from what I could tell. You came to me and told me what they said. You were really sad. I could tell you didn't want it to be true that Santa isn't real but you also found them compelling since they were older than you.   It was hard to know how to respond. I didn't want to lie but I also didn't think you were ready to stop believing, especially when it is so close to Christmas. I told you that a lot of older kids stop believing in the magic of Santa but that you don't have to. You seemed resolved with that answer but still sad. I have noticed that since they told you that you have been really intentional about getting into the Christmas spirit- asking to play Christmas music, getting excited about where Geri will be each morning, and asking to watch Christmas movies. I think, in a way, you also know that this is your last year believing and so you want to get the full experience of it.

I love you sweetheart. Here's to a great Christmas season 2019!

Mom

Mini Me

Dear Maximus,

   You turned 8 years old last month. That seems so old. I feel like just yesterday you were the perpetually happy, energetic 2 year old running into my room early in the morning yelling, "I'm AWAKE!" Now I often find myself looking at pictures of you and watching videos and being swept back to those joyful times in our life.
   These days are also joyful in their own way. You have gained so much independence and have really thrived in your school environment, making a lot of friends and becoming someone that a lot of kids look up to. You teach your brother things, you love learning and sharing facts and you have become a pretty great basketball player.
   Also the older you get, the more obvious it becomes to me that you are my mini-me. I think sometimes that comes to me in moments of frustration. Sometimes you do things that I get upset about and then when I really think about it, I realize it upsets me because it reminds me of something I do. Other times I realize it when I see the ways your emotions come out. You have a temper and so do I. You do not like being controlled and neither do I. It is important for you to feel connected and close to people and I can tell that even when you are upset with me, you long to be close to me. I can relate to all of that too. Even when I am angry with you, I have to fight back the urge to just reach out and hug you to make sure you know that my anger does not preclude or in anyway decrease my love for you. Sometimes you and I make special glances at each other because its like we both understand something that others don't, like we are thinking and feeling the same things at the same time. I love that and I look forward to seeing how it develops as you get older. My dad and I have that same thing. Sometimes we will crack up laughing at something that we both pickup on and no one else will have a clue. So maybe one day it will be you, me and Paps laughing together.
   I am sorry I don't write in here as often as I used to. I always want to put into words what I am feeling but lately I have been trying to live it out more than just saying or writing it. I hope that when you grow up you are able to recall always FEELING loved even more than hearing or reading that you are loved.
     XOXO,
Mommy

Two Years Between Posts

Buddy,

  The last post I typed up on here was two years ago. I can't believe I have let so much time go without writing to you. So much has happened in these two years and life has been so busy that I have had to let some things go but I wish I had been better about taking the time to write because there are things that you do and say that I want to remember forever.
   As I am writing this I am alone in a hotel in Las Vegas. I have a work conference here this weekend so I left you kids at home with dad and headed up here alone. Honestly, I have been really looking forward to the time alone. Lately I have felt very stressed and like I can't think clearly because there is always someone or something calling my name or needing something from me. When I get stressed I get irritable and sometimes mean. I have started telling everyone (including dad) that no one is allowed in the kitchen when I am cooking dinner because every time I am trying to cook, all of you kids come in over and over asking for snacks, complaining about what I am cooking, showing me your toys, etc. That also seems to be the time that all three dogs want to go outside one by one and then dad will come in and look over my shoulder asking about dinner. I get so overwhelmed that I yell at everyone and say "no one is allowed in the kitchen!" I always feel so guilty once I snap, and lately I have been snapping more.
   So I was looking forward to just relaxing on this trip. I brought a good book, am meeting a few friends for dinner and a show, and plan to get a lot of sleep at night. Sounds lovely. But of course as soon as I got here I started missing you all terribly. The reality is that you guys are my life, and no matter how chaotic it gets, I love my life. So when I am away from you, I don't feel complete.

James and Titus at Your 6th Birthday Party

You Love Your Little Hopey

   How do I sum up the last 2 years since my last post? Well for one, you now consider yourself to have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. Mariah never got to come live with us because she was moved to a home within her tribe. That was pretty devastating for all of us, but now she is adopted by the same family who has her big sisters which is a pretty cool ending to that story. After Mariah, Hope came into our home. You loved her from the first day. She had the best smile and was so happy. She came to us when she was 5 months old and lived with us for 10 months before being reunited with her mom. Again, that was so hard on our family, but we have been able to keep in touch with them a little bit and know that Hope is doing ok. We then had James live with us for 5 months. He was right in between you and Titus in age and you all got along pretty well. He was only with us for a couple of months before going to live with his brother and family friends. After James left, you, in all of your 6 year old wisdom, said, "I think our family should take a break from fostering for awhile." Dad and I agreed and could see that loving and losing these "siblings" was taking its toll on you and Titus. So we took several months off and instead put our focus into mentoring and supporting some teenage boys living at Canyon State Academy. These boys have troubled pasts that have led to them living in and going to school at this residential boys ranch near us. We started a ministry by getting people to attend their football games and started pairing teens up with supportive families. We were paired up with Jacob, who we eventually got very close with and now he is like part of the family even though he has moved out of CSA and back with his mom. He has really taken to you and Titus and I think you consider him a big brother in a lot of ways.

My Silly Boys

Christmas at the Cabin with Jacob

   Then last month we had Malachi move in. He is 4 months younger than Titus and has A LOT of energy. He was disrupted from his previous foster home and came to live with us while his siblings went to a different family. I think that is hard on him, but he has made some pretty amazing changes since living with us. His parents have even told us that they can't believe how much calmer and well behaved he is since living with us. We are expecting that he will reunite with his family this summer. At that time we may take a more longterm break from fostering. At least until you and Titus are older. I feel like so much of my time and focus goes into taking care of the other kids that it has taken away from you two. And you never seem to mind- you actually seem to benefit in many ways from loving and being a role model to these kids. But still, I don't want these precious years of your life to go by with me feeling like I am totally engaged.

   One way I tried to remedy that was to take a 1:1 vacation with you last month. We went to the beach, the San Diego Safari Zoo and Legoland. We had a lot of fun. You got to call all the shots. We laughed and played "track meet" on the beach, took walks, and saw a Cheetah Run at the zoo. (Also, on a 30 minute Safari Tram at the zoo you had to go potty really bad so you had to pee in a souvenir cup, haha). I surprised you with Legoland and we had a blast there too. I hope
you always remember that trip with joy and know how much I love you and love being close to you.

You and Colin with Mrs. Arnold

   Another important thing in the past two years has been you going to Kindergarten! You are doing great in school and were even tested and found to be gifted. I wasn't really surprised about that. I am looking forward to what your future has in store. You are such a special, blessed little boy and I couldn't be happier to be your mom.

I will try to be better about getting on here to write to you more regularly. I love you so much buddy.

Your First Little Sister

Maximus,
  When daddy and I started the foster care process, our biggest concern was how this would affect you and Titus.  There were times throughout our classes and discussions about foster care that you seemed upset that we were going to bring in another child. At first I think you were confused because you seemed to think that bringing "a new brother or sister" into the home meant you would have to trade Titus for them and you didn't want to lose Titus :). Once we explained to you that that wasn't going to happen, you seemed a little better but still hesitant.
  Then Mariah came into our lives. She was 4 months old and had been living with our friends the Henderson's since she was born. They asked us to watch her for 5 days while they went to Disneyland and we agreed, excited to see how our family would handle having a third child in the home.  Well instantly we all fell in love with her. You and Titus just kept wanting to play with her and talk sweet to her. By the time the 5 days were up, we were all really sad to see her go. Fortunately, the Henderson's recognized that bond that we developed and talked with us about maybe one day moving Mariah into our home longterm.  Since then we have spent every weekend with her. She is an absolutely precious baby. She is so sweet and she doesn't cry much, but when she does, you are always right there to comfort her, without me having to ask.  In fact, this morning, I heard her start to fuss and by the time I got up and went in to get her, you were in her room, down on your knees with your arm reaching in the crib and rubbing her hair. You were singing "Hush Little Baby" to her. I could not believe how sweet that moment was. You have such a genuinely GOOD heart. You have so much love for others. That is my favorite thing about you.
   While we are speaking about things I love about you, how about the fact that you are four and have begun teaching yourself basic addition and subtraction! You have been reading for almost 2 years now, so I guess it made sense that you would move on to another subject! I just can't believe how smart and intuitive you are.
   You are also so funny. Today when I was telling you to taste your vegetables, you told me (as you have a couple times before) that "sometimes you just taste food with your heart," in order to get away from having to eat them! Haha, you just crack me up.
I recognize that it is tough to be the oldest because we have really high standards for you and we expect you to lead your brother(s and sisters) by example. I hate to admit that sometimes I am especially harsh with you when everything seems chaotic. I regret that and will try harder to keep my patience.  I love you sweet boy.

Maximus + Ashlynn

One of our favorite things to do together
is play games while Titus naps.

Oh Maximus you just keep adding to the list of things that make you uniquely wonderful! Some girl is going to be so blessed to have you for a husband some day, just like I am blessed to have you as a son. From a pretty young age you started showing your romantic side. You have given me flowers in the middle of the night, told me over and over that I am beautiful and made sweet statements like "mommy, you are my favorite channel" while gazing lovingly into my eyes. About 2 years ago I had cut my hair short (shoulder length) and you used to find pictures of me with long wavy hair and say, "mommy, I want your hair like that." Now that I have long hair anytime I have it up in a ponytail you scold me and tell me to take it down because you like it "long." Its so amusing to me the way you pay attention to those details and it feels special that you are in this phase of having a crush on your mommy, especially because I know eventually I will be sharing you with another girl.

You and some good neighbor friends

Well, turns out I am already having to share you with another girl. Ashlynn is a little cutie in your pre-school class that you have been hanging out with on the playground.  Grammy had told me that you told Ashlynn you liked her and she said, "he likes me because I am cute."  Ashlynn's mommy also told me that Ashlynn thinks you are cute.  This budding relationship became even more apparent as Valentine's Day approached. Everyone was given a list of all the kids in class to make Valentine's day cards. Colin's mommy told me that Colin wasn't making much progress on his list because he refused to do one for Ashlynn because he doesn't like her since you always sit by her and talk to her instead of him.  Then the other day I asked you if you were excited to give Ashlynn her Valentine's card and you said, with a sad look in your eyes, "No, Ashlynn is mad at me and doesn't like me anymore." You went on to explain that on the playground she wanted you to play with her but you were swinging with your friends and didn't want to leave them. You said that Ashlynn got mad and threw wood chips at you.  You seemed genuinely upset by having to "choose" between your girl and your buddies.

You and Ashlynn

Fortunately, Ashlynn must have forgiven you because when I took you to class the week of Valentine's Day, you brought a special Ninja Turtle heart Valentine box filled with chocolate for her. She was there with her daddy and you walked up to her and got shy. I encouraged you to ask her daddy if she could be your Valentine. You shyly asked him and he said yes. Ashlynn was beaming as you handed over the Valentine. She gave you a hug and her dad snapped a picture.

Riding bikes (without training wheels)
with your buddy Colin

Your first sleepover (campout in the backyard)
with daddy, Colin and Colin's daddy. 

Now I hear you, Ashlynn, Colin, Easton and Charlie all play together on the playground. I like that. I am glad your first girlfriend is fun and can hang out with the guys but is also sweet.  Colin is getting plenty of bro time too, so he doesn't have to be jealous of your relationship with Ashlynn.  In fact the other day he came and had a sleepover in the backyard with you, daddy and Chris!  You were so excited and you made it the whole night! I love these memories and this special time in your life. Some day you will make a wonderful husband/daddy but for now you are my little casanova!

Just a Note for my Little Spidey Astronaut

Maximus,
 I love you so much. You are growing up so fast and I can't believe it. Right now you are obsessed with planets and the solar system. You can name all of the planets and dwarf planets from smallest to biggest and from distance to the sun. You wake up in the morning singing about planets. Every card or picture you draw is of the solar system (and very good, I might add). You even made the solar system out of pumpkins for your pumpkin decorating contest at school.
  Planets aren't the only thing you are into though... you are also spiderman 50% of the time. You like to climb up our refrigerator, do handstands and kick off the wall, and where your spidey costume around all day shooting "webs" at us.  It is so fun to watch you and see your innocence and zest for life.
  Today was the coldest day of the season so far. You woke me up just before 5am because you had to go poop ;). Once I was up I decided to start getting ready for work. Even though our house was so cold from having the windows open last night, you decided to stay in our bathroom and sit on the cold tile floor so you could be close to me. I told you you could climb up in my bed or on the couch and keep warm but you insisted on being with me so there you sat with your ipad at 5am on the cold tile floor. It might not sound like a big thing but it was big to me. It made me feel very loved.

I love you so much my sweet boy. Everything about you is special.

-Mommy

Giant Apology

Maximus,

   I love you so much. You are growing up in so many ways.  Just this past week you learned how to swim.  It has been amazing.  You had never done very well in water. Just two weeks ago you would cry whenever we would wash your hair in the bathtub and now you are able to swim across the pool, jump in and swim to the side, and get diving sticks from the bottom of the pool. You have been so brave and so excited about it.  I love seeing you face your fears and gain confidence in yourself.

   You start back to school in a couple of weeks. How are you already in your second year of preschool? I know I will cry again, but hopefully this year will be easier than last year :).

   You continue to be such a sweet big brother to Titus. I am so grateful that he has you as a role model and big brother.

   You are also a talker.  Man are you a talker.  You always have been, but for some reason lately it seems like you are talking 98% of your waking hours. And your favorite word?  "Mom."  Or more like "mom, mommy, mommy, MOMMMY, MOM!"  I remember laughing at a commercial from a show called the Family Guy where the little boy did this over and over to his mom, only to say "hi," little did I know just how true that commercial was. Sometimes I get so frustrated with you for needing my constant attention. I literally cannot use the bathroom, read a piece of mail or finish a sentence when talking to daddy when you are awake because you always need my attention.  Add your 18 month old little brother into the mix and 3 dogs who are always barking or scratching at the door, and I get a little crazy. Sometimes I take a "time out" where I go in my room for a few minutes to calm down. Sometimes I yell.  But I always regret it when I realize that right now I am literally your best friend, and that's why you are always wanting me.  Someday I will want that more than anything, so I need to appreciate it while I have it.
  I hate to admit it, but I think sometimes I expect too much from you. You are very mature and wise for your age and so sometimes I lose track of how little you still are.  And, ironically, I really want to keep you little as long as I can. But when I get stressed, I get easily frustrated, and sometimes I say things I don't mean.

Sometimes I ask you things like "what were you thinking?" ...and then I ask myself, "what are YOU thinking? He's only three."  Sometimes I tuck you in at night and I leave your room feeling sad because I didn't get to play with you very much, or because I feel like I was too harsh on you when we did play.  For example, a couple of nights ago I took you "scorpion hunting" at your request. It was late and I was stressed from work and things at home and I kept getting frustrated with you for stupid things like how you shined the blacklight on the wall. By the end of our little adventure, you seemed like you had lost interest and I was feeling guilty that I had ruined our special time together.  Sometimes when I yell at you or when something like this happens, I apologize to you later.  I don't expect you to understand, but I want you to know that even when I am mad, I still love you unconditionally.  I want to teach you that even mommy makes mistakes and when I do I want to own up to it. Its amazing how forgiving and full of grace you are... Tonight I apologized to you and prayed to God that he will make me the mommy you deserve. Then you prayed to God and said, "and help me to be the best boy that my mommy deserves." Wow. I couldn't help but tear up at that one... but then only moments later you had me cracking up laughing again when you made some kind of joke. Its amazing how you do that to me.

So I guess this post is kind of a giant apology. I apologize for mistakes I have made so far and for mistakes I will make in the future.  Please know that sometimes I overreact, or expect too much of you, or get justifiably mad when you do something wrong, but I still think the world of you. I still love you more than anything in the world.
   I hope you and I are always close.  Lately you have been saying things like "I just want to be with you forever," and "Even when I am a man, will you love me?" YES! YES! YES! I will always love you and I will always be with you.

XOXOX
MOMMY          

Choo Choo Baby

Maximus,

   You have been loving on your baby brother since before he was born. I absolutely love watching you with him. I don't know how it started but somehow you started showing your love for him by touching his cheek.  When he was a newborn and you were 2 years old, everyone was a little nervous about it because you would stiffen your hand and grit your teeth and get an intense look on your face and then touch his cheek. Even though it looks kind of aggressive, you do it out of love and you are very gentle with him.  You have continued to do that over the past year and it is so precious. We were at a birthday party the other day and you were having so much fun in the bounce house the whole night. Finally, you came to get a drink of water and as you ran back to the bounce house you stopped just to put your hand on Titus' face. Everyone at the party noticed and thought it was so sweet. Little did they know you do it all of the time. Usually when you do it you say "I just love you choo choo baby."  I have no idea where you even got that nickname, but it is now what we call Titus.  As he is growing up you are getting closer and closer. He watches everything you do and laughs because you are so funny. I am so glad he has you as his big brother role model.

I love you so much.

I Hope You Will Sing

My love,

  From the day I found out I was pregnant with you I started singing all of the time. When you were born I put everything into a song and you loved it. When we drove in the car one of the only ways I could keep you from screaming was to sing the whole time. We sang songs every night before bed. Sometime after you turned 1 you started singing along with me. You would amaze us with your ability to memorize entire songs at such an early age. As you've grown, your love for music has continued to grow and it has been such a joy to me to be able to listen to you sing. Almost every night you turn your music on in your room and dance before bed. Then you listen to the rest of the CD while you sleep. Most nights at some point I hear you singing in your room through the monitor. Sometimes you sing worship songs, sometimes pop songs, sometimes kiddie songs. It is the sweetest sound and always makes me smile, even if it is at 2am!
  I think you will always love music. It seems to be a part of you. I hope you will always sing. I hope that you will one day sing to your wife. I already pray for her now. She will be so incredibly blessed and I hope she will realize that. Most women will say that one of the most romantic things a guy can do for them is to sing. You have such a beautiful voice and I hope you will continue to always love blessing people with it.

Love always,
Mommy

The Best Part of My Day

Maximus,
  Lately I have been stressed. I literally feel like there are not enough hours in the day. From the moment I wake up, the hamster wheel in my mind starts going and I am listing all of the things I need to do before my feet even hit the ground. I have gotten a promotion at work that is exciting but is stretching me from a professional standpoint. I go to work and feel pressure in my chest all day as I try to balance my roles there. I put a smile on my face and try to act confident even though I often feel like crying because I am overwhelmed. Some days I feel disheartened because so many psychiatric patients don't get better. I feel frustrated by the employees that I am now managing who don't have the work ethic that I wish they had. I feel insecure that I am not doing things good enough to please my boss. I feel anxious, inadequate, vulnerable and exhausted.
  Then I get off work. I drive home. I park the minivan in the garage and I come inside. Maximus, let me tell you, the BEST feeling in the world is when I walk in and you see me and yell "MOMMY" with a big smile on your face. Then little Titus looks up, smiles, and crawls over to me. Its like a dream coming home to such a sweet greeting. It makes me feel so strong, confident, joyful and peaceful.
    Lately you have also been randomly looking at me and saying, "mommy, I love you," out of the blue. Its so genuine and personal when you do that and it makes me feel like all is right with the world. Those are the moments I live for. I love you so much my boy.

Love,
Mommy

I Don't Want to Grow Up...

Hi My Sweet Boy,
 

Your 3rd Birthday Party

    Tomorrow you turn 3. I can't hardly believe it. We celebrated this weekend and today I spent much of the day going through pictures of you from when you were first born. It seems like just yesterday and yet it seems like a lifetime has already passed. You have filled my every day with laughter and amusement. I remain baffled by how intuitive you are. You are a wise little soul. You say things and ask questions that I never imagined a 2 year old could know enough to ask. For example, tonight after I tucked you in and was walking out of your room, you asked me, "is Jesus God?" I didn't quite know what to say. I hardly understand the marvel that is the Trinity, let alone was I prepared to communicate that to a toddler.

Dinosaur Party!

    This past year there has been so much change in our lives. Titus was born and you became a big brother. I have watched you transform into a kid from a baby. Tomorrow, in addition to turning three, you will be starting preschool. I will have to drop you off and kiss you goodbye and try to hold it together. I have been trying to prep myself for this milestone. I think you will do well. I hope you will join the class excitedly and not cry. At the same time, I hope that you will cling to me for a little bit and then turn and join your class but then look back at me before I leave.

Roller Skates for this Big Boy!

   You understand me very well and I am pretty sure you know just what to do and say to knowingly melt my heart. For example, a few weeks ago we shared a very special moment when I was tucking you into bed (I love that special time of the day... we usually laugh and pray and talk about your day and sing songs). I sang you the song "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift. Its one you know well because it is the song in the video I made you for your first birthday. Anyway, that night, I could tell you were really listening to the words, and when I was done singing you just looked at me and started crying and said "I don't want to grow up." I teared up and hugged you and told you that no matter what you will always be my baby. I felt so bad for making you sad with that song but I also loved the fact that you understood how sentimental this issue is. Since that night there have been several times that you look at me with a feigned sad face that hides an ornery grin and say in a dramatic voice, "I don't want to grow up," just because you know I love it when you say that. Of course I WANT you to grow up and be the strong, godly, outgoing, funny and brilliant man that I know you will be. I want to experience every moment along the way with you as my kid, then my teen, then my young man, then eventually the father of my grandbabies. But for now, I just wish I could freeze time, and keep you little.

Tomorrow is a big day for both of us baby. But its nighttime now and I need to go to sleep. I can't wait to wake up and see you in the morning!

Love,
Momma

DISNEYLAND

Maximus,
   We just returned from the world famous happiest-place-on-earth Disneyland Resort for our first official family vacation and it was a trip that deserves a blog post so that you can relive it one day since you most likely won't remember it at all.
   Last month I found out I was off work on my birthday and that I would have 5 days in a row to spend with my 3 boys. Since you are at the age where you are still free at Disney and daddy is off for summer, I thought it would be perfect timing to take you and Titus. So we threw this trip together in a matter of a couple of weeks.

On the way to Disneyland

   Coming hot off the heels of a 10 day Ohio trip, you and your brother have been very much off schedule, we have all been sleep-deprived and you have been fed a steady diet of less than healthy food. This all was the perfect setup for a high intensity, quick 4 day trip to one of the busiest and most exciting places on earth.  To add to the excitement, we have been building this trip with you up for the past three weeks.
   The day we left was Father's Day. Daddy, Titus and I were all sleeping soundly in our room when you came running in and greeted us with the cutest/funniest wake up call ever... "TODAY WE ARE GOING TO DISNEYLAND! ...AND I WANT TO SHOW YOU I HAVE A FULL DIAPER (turns to the side)." Daddy and I cracked up laughing as we so often do because of you. Then we got the minivan packed up and we were on our way...
   The next several hours were reminiscent of an old movie called "Griswold Family Vacation" that was a humorous film about the disasters that a family encountered trying to take a family trip.
   The drive was only 6 hours but it felt like an eternity. Titus HATES his carseat and he let us know that for the majority of the drive. When I hear one of my babies crying I get anxious and snappy, so it wasn't long before I was in a really bad mood. You were pretty good just relaxing in your seat watching movies but you kept peeing in your pull-up which frustrated me because you have been potty trained for several months. Then we parked to go to the bathroom at a gas station and somehow 300 flies (exaggeration) got trapped inside our van and we spent the remainder of the drive trying to shoe them out.

You at the pool where you met a friend.

   Finally, we arrived at the Disneyland Hotel only about 1 hour later than we had planned. We checked in and got in our swimsuits and decided to spend the afternoon at the pool. But when we got to the pool you became very nervous and hesitant and refused to go on the slides (even the little one for babies) so we basically just waded around in the knee deep water for a couple of hours then went in and got ready for dinner.
   Since it was Father's Day, we let daddy pick where we would go to eat. He decided on ESPN Zone and it seemed like a good fit because we could play games while we waited on our seat. However, while we were waiting you started to cry and complain of a tummy ache. We were playing air hockey and all of the sudden I saw what looked like a string of vomit coming out of your mouth. I sprinted over to you, picked you up and ran to the bathroom. You were crying by that point as I tried to convince you to throw up in the potty. You never did throw up and we chalked it up to a stomach ache from being over-hungry. Still, we didn't want to take any chances in case you were sick so we ended up getting food to go and eating in the hotel room and watching fireworks through the window.
   The next morning you got a wake up call from Mickey Mouse. It was so cute. The phone startled you out of sleep and you started crying, but then when you heard Mickey's voice you jumped up and were so excited and said in your sleepy voice "ITS MICKEY! WE'VE GOT TO GET UP AND GO SEE HIM!" So Day 2 started.

Diaper change on the Ferris Wheel

   It was overall a pretty good day. We went early to California Adventure Park for the extra hour that we got for staying at the park. We figured it was a good time to go on some of the more popular rides so we wouldn't have to wait in line. Unfortunately Titus was on a different schedule than the rest of us and ended up being hungry right at the start of our day and then having a meltdown and diaper blow out on the Ferris Wheel- our second ride of the day. We spent the rest of the day going on different rides and stopped briefly for a nap midday. By the end of the day you were quite exhausted and hungry. We made it to dinner at a pizza place in downtown Disney just in time for you to have a meltdown and Titus to have another diaper blowout. We cleaned him up and calmed you down and then you spilled your entire glass of water all over the table and floor. Daddy and I were basically just laughing at this point because nothing was going smoothly. Luckily we made it back to the hotel and everyone got a good night sleep in preparation for our next big day in Disneyland Park.

Meeting Sophia the First

    Day three went much smoother. It was my birthday and you made it very special. You and daddy gave me cards in the morning and later that morning you handed me a beautiful yellow leaf and told me it was for my birthday. It was so special and I plan to save it forever. You were happy all day and could often be seen singing your go-to song when you are excited "Baby baby oh," by Justin Bieber. You were still a bit timid to ride some of the rides (after waiting 50 mins in line you decided you didn't want to ride Peter Pan- you still did though). We had a great day. You rode a lot of rides and LOVED meeting Mickey Mouse. This was good considering the day before you were terrified of Sophia the First.
      The day we went home we had breakfast with the characters. That was a special tradition we always did with my family when I was a kid and I wanted you to get to experience it too. Luckily we got to see a lot of characters- Mickey, Pluto, Daisy and -your favorite- Minnie. You had missed her at the park and so it was a big deal when you got to see her. She made over you a lot and the Daisy came over and they were both fighting over you. It was really cute and I could tell you loved having all of the attention.
    Now we are home and you still talk about Disney all of the time. I can't wait to go back again!

Daddy's Boy

Maximus,
  Today was rough. Today you were mean to me and ignored me and disobeyed me almost constantly. To be clear- you almost never act like that. You are usually such a good boy and are usually so sweet to me. The strangest thing is that today was such a fun day that I planned specifically for you! You got to sleep in the big bed last night. We woke up at 5:30 am (your choice, not mine). We had breakfast and played for awhile then went to tball practice, then to the splash pad with friends and had popsicles. Then after nap we invited one of your friends over to play. It would have been a good day if it weren't filled with tantrums, the word "no" and even you pushing me. I was completely baffled all day. Who was this child? Why was he all of the sudden acting like this?
   Then tonight I realized- you miss your daddy. Daddy is in Colorado with Paps and has been gone for over 24 hours and will be gone for 3 more days. I realized how much of an impact this is having on you when I was putting you to bed and instead of singing "Jesus Loves Me" you asked me to sing "Daddy Loves Me."

   Ever since Titus was born you and daddy have become best buddies. He usually tucks you in at night now. He plays tball with you. He makes you laugh all of the time. And today I tried to do all of that with you. Even though you and I also have a very special relationship, I think you are really struggling with the fact that daddy is not here to do all of that this weekend. Luckily he is rarely out of town so you don't have to be away from him very much. You are also so lucky to have a daddy as great as him that allows you to form such a connection.
  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I enjoy every moment I am with you, even on days like today. I just hope there is more laughter than crying tomorrow. You are my world. I love you so much and so does daddy.

Mommy

Titus is Here!

Well Maximus,
   This week our little family officially grew to four. Your little brother, Titus Michael was born on Sunday 1/12/2014. So far he has had a somewhat bumpy road but overall is very healthy and a very good baby. I think we are all very much in love with him. Even you- the once only child who got all of mommy and daddy's attention before- seem to want Titus in the room with you all of the time and can't seem to resist kissing his sweet little face and hands.
   I will never forget the day he was born. He arrived at exactly 6pm. You were in the waiting room with Grammy, Paps, Aubie and Brandon. Once the baby was here you all were invited back into the room. There you came, my world, my sweet boy- running into the room yelling "mommy!"  I was so happy to see you and pull you up on the bed with me for a hug. Then I introduced you to your new baby brother. You were kind of quiet and stared at him intently as you took him in and finally made sense of everything mommy and daddy had been telling you about Titus coming out of mommy's belly to be your brother. Then you kissed him and said hello to him. I asked you if you wanted to sing to him and you said yes. Then you sang "Everything Has Changed," a song by Taylor Swift that you and I always sang to Titus when were driving in the car. I sang along with you for a little bit before I started to choke up at how precious and perfect everything in that moment was.
  Soon Titus had to go to the NICU for some evaluation and treatment and unfortunately that is where he had to stay for 48 hours until we went home. During those 48 hours you visited a few times. You had fun with mommy and daddy but would always get so sad because you weren't allowed to go in to see "baby Titus." Finally, on the third evening he was released and we all got to go home together.
   Since we have been home you have still been sweet to him but seem to be having a little bit of a typical first child reaction. You are telling us "no" a lot more and have been a little bit more emotional than usual. Daddy and I are doing what we can to keep things as normal for you as possible including playing with you and keeping your bedtime routine as special and intimate.  I have to admit, I myself have been emotional thinking about what this means for all of us and I am so afraid that somehow you will interpret Titus' arrival as you being replaced or loved less. Even if you only have that thought fleetingly, I can't stand for you to ever think it. You are and always will be my first baby. That makes you very special, even though I already love Titus like I love you. My love has doubled, not split.

I am so excited about the days, weeks and years to come with our family of four.  I adore you my sweet boy.
-Mommy

Visiting through the glass at the NICU

 


PS: Titus looks almost exactly like you did when you were born. Now every time I look at him I not only get to create new memories, but it brings me back to when you were a newborn.