I love you so much. You are growing up in so many ways. Just this past week you learned how to swim. It has been amazing. You had never done very well in water. Just two weeks ago you would cry whenever we would wash your hair in the bathtub and now you are able to swim across the pool, jump in and swim to the side, and get diving sticks from the bottom of the pool. You have been so brave and so excited about it. I love seeing you face your fears and gain confidence in yourself. You start back to school in a couple of weeks. How are you already in your second year of preschool? I know I will cry again, but hopefully this year will be easier than last year :).
You continue to be such a sweet big brother to Titus. I am so grateful that he has you as a role model and big brother.
You are also a talker. Man are you a talker. You always have been, but for some reason lately it seems like you are talking 98% of your waking hours. And your favorite word? "Mom." Or more like "mom, mommy, mommy, MOMMMY, MOM!" I remember laughing at a commercial from a show called the Family Guy where the little boy did this over and over to his mom, only to say "hi," little did I know just how true that commercial was. Sometimes I get so frustrated with you for needing my constant attention. I literally cannot use the bathroom, read a piece of mail or finish a sentence when talking to daddy when you are awake because you always need my attention. Add your 18 month old little brother into the mix and 3 dogs who are always barking or scratching at the door, and I get a little crazy. Sometimes I take a "time out" where I go in my room for a few minutes to calm down. Sometimes I yell. But I always regret it when I realize that right now I am literally your best friend, and that's why you are always wanting me. Someday I will want that more than anything, so I need to appreciate it while I have it.
I hate to admit it, but I think sometimes I expect too much from you. You are very mature and wise for your age and so sometimes I lose track of how little you still are. And, ironically, I really want to keep you little as long as I can. But when I get stressed, I get easily frustrated, and sometimes I say things I don't mean.
Sometimes I ask you things like "what were you thinking?" ...and then I ask myself, "what are YOU thinking? He's only three." Sometimes I tuck you in at night and I leave your room feeling sad because I didn't get to play with you very much, or because I feel like I was too harsh on you when we did play. For example, a couple of nights ago I took you "scorpion hunting" at your request. It was late and I was stressed from work and things at home and I kept getting frustrated with you for stupid things like how you shined the blacklight on the wall. By the end of our little adventure, you seemed like you had lost interest and I was feeling guilty that I had ruined our special time together. Sometimes when I yell at you or when something like this happens, I apologize to you later. I don't expect you to understand, but I want you to know that even when I am mad, I still love you unconditionally. I want to teach you that even mommy makes mistakes and when I do I want to own up to it. Its amazing how forgiving and full of grace you are... Tonight I apologized to you and prayed to God that he will make me the mommy you deserve. Then you prayed to God and said, "and help me to be the best boy that my mommy deserves." Wow. I couldn't help but tear up at that one... but then only moments later you had me cracking up laughing again when you made some kind of joke. Its amazing how you do that to me.
So I guess this post is kind of a giant apology. I apologize for mistakes I have made so far and for mistakes I will make in the future. Please know that sometimes I overreact, or expect too much of you, or get justifiably mad when you do something wrong, but I still think the world of you. I still love you more than anything in the world.
I hope you and I are always close. Lately you have been saying things like "I just want to be with you forever," and "Even when I am a man, will you love me?" YES! YES! YES! I will always love you and I will always be with you.
XOXOX
MOMMY
