The Best Part of My Day

Maximus,
  Lately I have been stressed. I literally feel like there are not enough hours in the day. From the moment I wake up, the hamster wheel in my mind starts going and I am listing all of the things I need to do before my feet even hit the ground. I have gotten a promotion at work that is exciting but is stretching me from a professional standpoint. I go to work and feel pressure in my chest all day as I try to balance my roles there. I put a smile on my face and try to act confident even though I often feel like crying because I am overwhelmed. Some days I feel disheartened because so many psychiatric patients don't get better. I feel frustrated by the employees that I am now managing who don't have the work ethic that I wish they had. I feel insecure that I am not doing things good enough to please my boss. I feel anxious, inadequate, vulnerable and exhausted.
  Then I get off work. I drive home. I park the minivan in the garage and I come inside. Maximus, let me tell you, the BEST feeling in the world is when I walk in and you see me and yell "MOMMY" with a big smile on your face. Then little Titus looks up, smiles, and crawls over to me. Its like a dream coming home to such a sweet greeting. It makes me feel so strong, confident, joyful and peaceful.
    Lately you have also been randomly looking at me and saying, "mommy, I love you," out of the blue. Its so genuine and personal when you do that and it makes me feel like all is right with the world. Those are the moments I live for. I love you so much my boy.

Love,
Mommy

I Don't Want to Grow Up...

Hi My Sweet Boy,
 

Your 3rd Birthday Party

    Tomorrow you turn 3. I can't hardly believe it. We celebrated this weekend and today I spent much of the day going through pictures of you from when you were first born. It seems like just yesterday and yet it seems like a lifetime has already passed. You have filled my every day with laughter and amusement. I remain baffled by how intuitive you are. You are a wise little soul. You say things and ask questions that I never imagined a 2 year old could know enough to ask. For example, tonight after I tucked you in and was walking out of your room, you asked me, "is Jesus God?" I didn't quite know what to say. I hardly understand the marvel that is the Trinity, let alone was I prepared to communicate that to a toddler.

Dinosaur Party!

    This past year there has been so much change in our lives. Titus was born and you became a big brother. I have watched you transform into a kid from a baby. Tomorrow, in addition to turning three, you will be starting preschool. I will have to drop you off and kiss you goodbye and try to hold it together. I have been trying to prep myself for this milestone. I think you will do well. I hope you will join the class excitedly and not cry. At the same time, I hope that you will cling to me for a little bit and then turn and join your class but then look back at me before I leave.

Roller Skates for this Big Boy!

   You understand me very well and I am pretty sure you know just what to do and say to knowingly melt my heart. For example, a few weeks ago we shared a very special moment when I was tucking you into bed (I love that special time of the day... we usually laugh and pray and talk about your day and sing songs). I sang you the song "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift. Its one you know well because it is the song in the video I made you for your first birthday. Anyway, that night, I could tell you were really listening to the words, and when I was done singing you just looked at me and started crying and said "I don't want to grow up." I teared up and hugged you and told you that no matter what you will always be my baby. I felt so bad for making you sad with that song but I also loved the fact that you understood how sentimental this issue is. Since that night there have been several times that you look at me with a feigned sad face that hides an ornery grin and say in a dramatic voice, "I don't want to grow up," just because you know I love it when you say that. Of course I WANT you to grow up and be the strong, godly, outgoing, funny and brilliant man that I know you will be. I want to experience every moment along the way with you as my kid, then my teen, then my young man, then eventually the father of my grandbabies. But for now, I just wish I could freeze time, and keep you little.

Tomorrow is a big day for both of us baby. But its nighttime now and I need to go to sleep. I can't wait to wake up and see you in the morning!

Love,
Momma

DISNEYLAND

Maximus,
   We just returned from the world famous happiest-place-on-earth Disneyland Resort for our first official family vacation and it was a trip that deserves a blog post so that you can relive it one day since you most likely won't remember it at all.
   Last month I found out I was off work on my birthday and that I would have 5 days in a row to spend with my 3 boys. Since you are at the age where you are still free at Disney and daddy is off for summer, I thought it would be perfect timing to take you and Titus. So we threw this trip together in a matter of a couple of weeks.

On the way to Disneyland

   Coming hot off the heels of a 10 day Ohio trip, you and your brother have been very much off schedule, we have all been sleep-deprived and you have been fed a steady diet of less than healthy food. This all was the perfect setup for a high intensity, quick 4 day trip to one of the busiest and most exciting places on earth.  To add to the excitement, we have been building this trip with you up for the past three weeks.
   The day we left was Father's Day. Daddy, Titus and I were all sleeping soundly in our room when you came running in and greeted us with the cutest/funniest wake up call ever... "TODAY WE ARE GOING TO DISNEYLAND! ...AND I WANT TO SHOW YOU I HAVE A FULL DIAPER (turns to the side)." Daddy and I cracked up laughing as we so often do because of you. Then we got the minivan packed up and we were on our way...
   The next several hours were reminiscent of an old movie called "Griswold Family Vacation" that was a humorous film about the disasters that a family encountered trying to take a family trip.
   The drive was only 6 hours but it felt like an eternity. Titus HATES his carseat and he let us know that for the majority of the drive. When I hear one of my babies crying I get anxious and snappy, so it wasn't long before I was in a really bad mood. You were pretty good just relaxing in your seat watching movies but you kept peeing in your pull-up which frustrated me because you have been potty trained for several months. Then we parked to go to the bathroom at a gas station and somehow 300 flies (exaggeration) got trapped inside our van and we spent the remainder of the drive trying to shoe them out.

You at the pool where you met a friend.

   Finally, we arrived at the Disneyland Hotel only about 1 hour later than we had planned. We checked in and got in our swimsuits and decided to spend the afternoon at the pool. But when we got to the pool you became very nervous and hesitant and refused to go on the slides (even the little one for babies) so we basically just waded around in the knee deep water for a couple of hours then went in and got ready for dinner.
   Since it was Father's Day, we let daddy pick where we would go to eat. He decided on ESPN Zone and it seemed like a good fit because we could play games while we waited on our seat. However, while we were waiting you started to cry and complain of a tummy ache. We were playing air hockey and all of the sudden I saw what looked like a string of vomit coming out of your mouth. I sprinted over to you, picked you up and ran to the bathroom. You were crying by that point as I tried to convince you to throw up in the potty. You never did throw up and we chalked it up to a stomach ache from being over-hungry. Still, we didn't want to take any chances in case you were sick so we ended up getting food to go and eating in the hotel room and watching fireworks through the window.
   The next morning you got a wake up call from Mickey Mouse. It was so cute. The phone startled you out of sleep and you started crying, but then when you heard Mickey's voice you jumped up and were so excited and said in your sleepy voice "ITS MICKEY! WE'VE GOT TO GET UP AND GO SEE HIM!" So Day 2 started.

Diaper change on the Ferris Wheel

   It was overall a pretty good day. We went early to California Adventure Park for the extra hour that we got for staying at the park. We figured it was a good time to go on some of the more popular rides so we wouldn't have to wait in line. Unfortunately Titus was on a different schedule than the rest of us and ended up being hungry right at the start of our day and then having a meltdown and diaper blow out on the Ferris Wheel- our second ride of the day. We spent the rest of the day going on different rides and stopped briefly for a nap midday. By the end of the day you were quite exhausted and hungry. We made it to dinner at a pizza place in downtown Disney just in time for you to have a meltdown and Titus to have another diaper blowout. We cleaned him up and calmed you down and then you spilled your entire glass of water all over the table and floor. Daddy and I were basically just laughing at this point because nothing was going smoothly. Luckily we made it back to the hotel and everyone got a good night sleep in preparation for our next big day in Disneyland Park.

Meeting Sophia the First

    Day three went much smoother. It was my birthday and you made it very special. You and daddy gave me cards in the morning and later that morning you handed me a beautiful yellow leaf and told me it was for my birthday. It was so special and I plan to save it forever. You were happy all day and could often be seen singing your go-to song when you are excited "Baby baby oh," by Justin Bieber. You were still a bit timid to ride some of the rides (after waiting 50 mins in line you decided you didn't want to ride Peter Pan- you still did though). We had a great day. You rode a lot of rides and LOVED meeting Mickey Mouse. This was good considering the day before you were terrified of Sophia the First.
      The day we went home we had breakfast with the characters. That was a special tradition we always did with my family when I was a kid and I wanted you to get to experience it too. Luckily we got to see a lot of characters- Mickey, Pluto, Daisy and -your favorite- Minnie. You had missed her at the park and so it was a big deal when you got to see her. She made over you a lot and the Daisy came over and they were both fighting over you. It was really cute and I could tell you loved having all of the attention.
    Now we are home and you still talk about Disney all of the time. I can't wait to go back again!

Daddy's Boy

Maximus,
  Today was rough. Today you were mean to me and ignored me and disobeyed me almost constantly. To be clear- you almost never act like that. You are usually such a good boy and are usually so sweet to me. The strangest thing is that today was such a fun day that I planned specifically for you! You got to sleep in the big bed last night. We woke up at 5:30 am (your choice, not mine). We had breakfast and played for awhile then went to tball practice, then to the splash pad with friends and had popsicles. Then after nap we invited one of your friends over to play. It would have been a good day if it weren't filled with tantrums, the word "no" and even you pushing me. I was completely baffled all day. Who was this child? Why was he all of the sudden acting like this?
   Then tonight I realized- you miss your daddy. Daddy is in Colorado with Paps and has been gone for over 24 hours and will be gone for 3 more days. I realized how much of an impact this is having on you when I was putting you to bed and instead of singing "Jesus Loves Me" you asked me to sing "Daddy Loves Me."

   Ever since Titus was born you and daddy have become best buddies. He usually tucks you in at night now. He plays tball with you. He makes you laugh all of the time. And today I tried to do all of that with you. Even though you and I also have a very special relationship, I think you are really struggling with the fact that daddy is not here to do all of that this weekend. Luckily he is rarely out of town so you don't have to be away from him very much. You are also so lucky to have a daddy as great as him that allows you to form such a connection.
  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I enjoy every moment I am with you, even on days like today. I just hope there is more laughter than crying tomorrow. You are my world. I love you so much and so does daddy.

Mommy

Titus is Here!

Well Maximus,
   This week our little family officially grew to four. Your little brother, Titus Michael was born on Sunday 1/12/2014. So far he has had a somewhat bumpy road but overall is very healthy and a very good baby. I think we are all very much in love with him. Even you- the once only child who got all of mommy and daddy's attention before- seem to want Titus in the room with you all of the time and can't seem to resist kissing his sweet little face and hands.
   I will never forget the day he was born. He arrived at exactly 6pm. You were in the waiting room with Grammy, Paps, Aubie and Brandon. Once the baby was here you all were invited back into the room. There you came, my world, my sweet boy- running into the room yelling "mommy!"  I was so happy to see you and pull you up on the bed with me for a hug. Then I introduced you to your new baby brother. You were kind of quiet and stared at him intently as you took him in and finally made sense of everything mommy and daddy had been telling you about Titus coming out of mommy's belly to be your brother. Then you kissed him and said hello to him. I asked you if you wanted to sing to him and you said yes. Then you sang "Everything Has Changed," a song by Taylor Swift that you and I always sang to Titus when were driving in the car. I sang along with you for a little bit before I started to choke up at how precious and perfect everything in that moment was.
  Soon Titus had to go to the NICU for some evaluation and treatment and unfortunately that is where he had to stay for 48 hours until we went home. During those 48 hours you visited a few times. You had fun with mommy and daddy but would always get so sad because you weren't allowed to go in to see "baby Titus." Finally, on the third evening he was released and we all got to go home together.
   Since we have been home you have still been sweet to him but seem to be having a little bit of a typical first child reaction. You are telling us "no" a lot more and have been a little bit more emotional than usual. Daddy and I are doing what we can to keep things as normal for you as possible including playing with you and keeping your bedtime routine as special and intimate.  I have to admit, I myself have been emotional thinking about what this means for all of us and I am so afraid that somehow you will interpret Titus' arrival as you being replaced or loved less. Even if you only have that thought fleetingly, I can't stand for you to ever think it. You are and always will be my first baby. That makes you very special, even though I already love Titus like I love you. My love has doubled, not split.

I am so excited about the days, weeks and years to come with our family of four.  I adore you my sweet boy.
-Mommy

Visiting through the glass at the NICU

 


PS: Titus looks almost exactly like you did when you were born. Now every time I look at him I not only get to create new memories, but it brings me back to when you were a newborn.