Addiction, Baby Brother and Big Boy Bed

Maximus,
    Sometimes I need to sit down and write to you because I am so full of emotion I feel like I will burst if I don't get it out. Fortunately, with you, that emotion is usually all very positive and good emotion. But in my efforts to not smother you with affection (see the post on rapprochement), I sometimes need another outlet to express how much I love you. The level of joy and contentment I feel since having you is unlike anything I ever thought possible. Which is why I have reasonably concluded that I am probably on the road to being an addict.  A baby/toddler addict, that is.
    You see, when people suffer from addiction, there is some substance or behavior that gives them such a sense of euphoria or calmness that the sheer thought of ever living without it terrifies them. Therefore, they go to any and all lengths to keep up their addiction and to never be without the thing they are addicted to, be it drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. For me, it's you. This stage you are in now is so incredibly wonderful that I can't think of words powerful enough to describe it. You are so so funny. And sweet. And smart. And cute... etc. I can be having an awful day and I see your face and its like the best day of my life. So, it makes me terrified to think--- "what will I ever do without this same level of euphoria?" Then I think, "I will need to keep having kids every few years so that my home is never without this level of happiness." Obviously this is not rational, but with addiction rational thinking goes out the window. So who knows, I might end up like one of those women with 20 kids :). I guess the good news for now is that you are going to have a little brother around so the fun will continue- only probably be twice as great because now there will be two of you.

Kissing baby brother

   I really hope you love your little brother. I hope he is like you. I can't imagine how it will feel to have two of you to love. I just may burst. Right now you are kind of hesitant about the whole "new baby" concept. Whenever we talk about the baby you change the subject- but every once in awhile you come over unprompted and talk to the baby in my belly, or poke at him. You usually say "come out baby" or ask me if he is sleeping. I think you will love him, and I promise that I will do whatever I can to make sure you don't feel left out when he arrives.

Pee pee in the potty!

   You are really growing up, little boy. This past month we have been working on potty training and you even wear big boy undies a lot now. Also two weeks ago we converted your baby crib to a big boy bed. Of course I sobbed. It was hard taking down your musical mobile that I used to turn on and listen to before you were born. I would daydream about what you would be like. Now you are too old for it and its put away in your closet. Anyway, you have done well in your big boy
bed, but you have gotten into the habit of getting up in the middle of the night, walking all the way across the house in the dark, sneaking into our room and putting your little hand up on the bed and saying "mommy I want to sleep in big bed." Holy cow- do you know how hard it is to turn that down? Sometimes I indulge and pull you right up between me and daddy and let you sleep with us for a few hours, but in the interest of maintaining your good sleep habits, I usually bring you back to your bed. Last night,

Sleeping on the floor
next to mommy's bed

First night in a
big boy bed.

though, you were particularly sneaky. I got up at 1:00am to go potty. I stepped down off the bed in the dark and my foot bumped something soft. I wondered what in the world I had dropped off my bed when my foot bumped into a little hand. There you were, at 1am, sleeping on the floor next to my bed.
I think you knew I would bring you back to your room if you woke me up, so you opted to sleep on the floor next to me instead. It warmed my heart and made me cry at the same time. You are so incredibly precious. I love the bond we have and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
   I also love tucking you in at night. Usually daddy and I are both there. You lay in your big boy bed and say "mommy sleep with us" which is your way of asking me to sleep with you and I lay with you while we all sing together. You usually pick "Jesus Loves Me" or "Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw and then sing along to every word. Your voice is so sweet and that time is so special. I need to find a way to videotape it so that I can relive it when you outgrow this stage.

Well, I think I will end this now. I think I have purged out enough emotion to keep me stable for awhile. I love you so much sweet boy. Nothing could ever change that.

-Mommy