The rapprochement developmental stage- ie: the "separation-individuation stage,"is one that I have read about many a times in my college and graduate school education. It is a stage I have often glossed over or memorized by rote repetition to pass a test. In my career, I have begun to understand the theories that link this critical stage to impaired coping in patients that I often see in my office. But in all of the times I have read about it, it never made me cry. That is, until last week.Rapprochement is said to occur in a child between the ages of 15-24 months, which made it the perfect topic for one of my weekly emails I receive that give me updates on where Maximus should be developmentally. I think I got the email when he had just turned 19 months and as I read it I began to sob as though someone just told me my dog had died. Rapprochement, simply defined, is a time when the child begins to gain some autonomy and start pulling away from their mother. Ouch. You mean I can't be there every moment of Maximus' life, holding his hand and making everything 'all better.' You mean he won't always view me as his entire world? Ok, ok, I know eventually he will grow up-- but already? I am still completely infatuated and madly in love with everything about this child. How can I graciously accept the fact that he is moving on?
I have to. Its imperative that I do not stunt his growth in this stage. While my gut reaction is to continue to keep him close and smother him with my love and adoration (and a million kisses a day), thats not what he needs. A good mother goes through this stage with him, still being his security, but encouraging him to venture out a little bit. To help him gain self-confidence and a strong identity as he finds new role models- like daddy or older kids.
This is very hard for me. I must admit, part of me loves when I drop Maximus off at the church nursery, only to be called out 10 minutes later because he is desperately crying for me to come back. When someone else is holding him and he reaches for me, I smile inside. I dread and even become resentful of things that take me away from quality time with him- even fun things like nights out with the girls. And I don't care what time it is in the morning- when I hear that little voice through the monitor yell "MOOOMMMMMMMMY!" I jump out of bed and run to him, eager to scoop him up in my arms and cuddle him because I miss him all night long.Maybe every mother feels like I do. Or maybe my bond with Maximus is extra special. Maybe I'm overly bonded to him. Regardless, I love him too much to allow anything but a healthy transition through this stage, so I pray for wisdom as I help him with it.
