My November Baby

Dear November Baby,

  This is the only letter I will ever write you, and you will never read it. You were my baby only briefly and now you are gone and I am left sad and wishing you were still here inside of me.
  You were conceived at the beginning of November, I think I know the exact day. I knew I was pregnant right away, even though I wasn't having any pregnancy symptoms yet. I guess its just a feeling mom's get. On November 17th I took a pregnancy test in the morning and found out about you. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep. Then your brother Maximus woke up and I had him wake up your daddy and hand him the test and say "baby." Of course daddy was excited too. I bought us some treats and made a big, special dinner to celebrate that night. We started talking about names and whether you would be a boy or girl and how Maximus would interact with you.

  A few days later our family traveled to Ohio for Thanksgiving. We surprised the family during a game of catch phrase when daddy pretended the "phrase" on the game was "Maximus is going to be a Big Brother." It was so funny. Aunt Kelly got it pretty quickly but everyone else was confused. Once they figured it out everyone was very excited about the new little one coming into the family.
   On December 1st I started to have some spotting. I knew this was not a good sign and I talked to my good friend Charlene, who is a midwife. She comforted me and assured me that if it is just spotting, its probably ok. Unfortunately, each day that followed brought with it more and more blood, until I realized that you were no longer growing inside of me. Your daddy is still holding on to hope. He doesn't like talking about it until we see the doctor and know for sure. But I know. I guess its that same feeling I mentioned earlier.
    You were so small, so early on in your pursuit of life. But you were mine. You were no bigger than a lentil bean, but you would have already had a heart beat. You never got to see me or hear my voice, as your brain, spinal cord, intestines, eyes, nose and limbs were just starting to form, but I already imagined you in my mind and had plans for you. I am reminded that my plans are not always God's plans. It was not in His plan that you be born and fulfill the role I had in mind for you. But He knows you, and He has a role for you. He was the one knitting you together inside of me and I take comfort in knowing that someday in heaven I am going to have one extra kid who I love but never knew.

Until then,

Mommy

I Need a Video Camera Taped to my Hand

My dear little Maximus,
   You are absolutely the cutest thing in the world. I am so in love with you. Lately your cuteness seems to have taken on a new level. I think you are in a rapid growth stage because you are blowing my mind every day with things you are learning, saying and doing. I feel like I am always reaching for my camera to try to capture you so that I never forget any part of you. I guess thats in part why I write these blogs to you.

   As I am writing this we are wrapping up our visit in Ohio for the Thanksgiving holiday. I love being here. Your Grandma Nini really knows how to take care of us and let us all relax. Your daddy and I have so much fun with the family and your cousins love doting on you. We have been here for 10 days so far and visited most of our closest friends and family. I love bringing you to town to let everybody see you and get to know you because I am so proud of you and I don't think there is anything cuter than you in the world. Everyone adores you. You have learned so much from Charis and Gianna. This visit they taught you the Hokey Pokey and how to say "down" to grandma's dog Snickers. You have been talking a lot, and you love dancing with them. They do such a great job with you and I love watching you all play and laugh.
    You and I also spent a lot of alone time together this week while your cousins were at school and everyone else was at work. I love having quality time with you. You started eating apples this week like a big boy and its so cute to watch you. Also, your newest thing is rolling your eyes. You have had all of us cracking up because you do it at the most hilarious times. I am pretty sure you understand everything we say to you and you are very good at telling us what you want.
    Christmas is coming up and I cannot wait to experience all of it with you. You have been very captivated by all of the decorations and lights. You say "ho ho ho" when you see Santa Clause. I always loved Christmas as a kid but in the past several years I started seeing it as stressful rather than exciting. This year is different. Now, I am going to be experiencing Christmas through the eyes of a child again, and I think this will be even better than when I was a kid myself.
     I am so thankful for you baby. You bring me so much joy every single day. I hope you know how much I love you.