My November Baby

Dear November Baby,

  This is the only letter I will ever write you, and you will never read it. You were my baby only briefly and now you are gone and I am left sad and wishing you were still here inside of me.
  You were conceived at the beginning of November, I think I know the exact day. I knew I was pregnant right away, even though I wasn't having any pregnancy symptoms yet. I guess its just a feeling mom's get. On November 17th I took a pregnancy test in the morning and found out about you. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep. Then your brother Maximus woke up and I had him wake up your daddy and hand him the test and say "baby." Of course daddy was excited too. I bought us some treats and made a big, special dinner to celebrate that night. We started talking about names and whether you would be a boy or girl and how Maximus would interact with you.

  A few days later our family traveled to Ohio for Thanksgiving. We surprised the family during a game of catch phrase when daddy pretended the "phrase" on the game was "Maximus is going to be a Big Brother." It was so funny. Aunt Kelly got it pretty quickly but everyone else was confused. Once they figured it out everyone was very excited about the new little one coming into the family.
   On December 1st I started to have some spotting. I knew this was not a good sign and I talked to my good friend Charlene, who is a midwife. She comforted me and assured me that if it is just spotting, its probably ok. Unfortunately, each day that followed brought with it more and more blood, until I realized that you were no longer growing inside of me. Your daddy is still holding on to hope. He doesn't like talking about it until we see the doctor and know for sure. But I know. I guess its that same feeling I mentioned earlier.
    You were so small, so early on in your pursuit of life. But you were mine. You were no bigger than a lentil bean, but you would have already had a heart beat. You never got to see me or hear my voice, as your brain, spinal cord, intestines, eyes, nose and limbs were just starting to form, but I already imagined you in my mind and had plans for you. I am reminded that my plans are not always God's plans. It was not in His plan that you be born and fulfill the role I had in mind for you. But He knows you, and He has a role for you. He was the one knitting you together inside of me and I take comfort in knowing that someday in heaven I am going to have one extra kid who I love but never knew.

Until then,

Mommy

I Need a Video Camera Taped to my Hand

My dear little Maximus,
   You are absolutely the cutest thing in the world. I am so in love with you. Lately your cuteness seems to have taken on a new level. I think you are in a rapid growth stage because you are blowing my mind every day with things you are learning, saying and doing. I feel like I am always reaching for my camera to try to capture you so that I never forget any part of you. I guess thats in part why I write these blogs to you.

   As I am writing this we are wrapping up our visit in Ohio for the Thanksgiving holiday. I love being here. Your Grandma Nini really knows how to take care of us and let us all relax. Your daddy and I have so much fun with the family and your cousins love doting on you. We have been here for 10 days so far and visited most of our closest friends and family. I love bringing you to town to let everybody see you and get to know you because I am so proud of you and I don't think there is anything cuter than you in the world. Everyone adores you. You have learned so much from Charis and Gianna. This visit they taught you the Hokey Pokey and how to say "down" to grandma's dog Snickers. You have been talking a lot, and you love dancing with them. They do such a great job with you and I love watching you all play and laugh.
    You and I also spent a lot of alone time together this week while your cousins were at school and everyone else was at work. I love having quality time with you. You started eating apples this week like a big boy and its so cute to watch you. Also, your newest thing is rolling your eyes. You have had all of us cracking up because you do it at the most hilarious times. I am pretty sure you understand everything we say to you and you are very good at telling us what you want.
    Christmas is coming up and I cannot wait to experience all of it with you. You have been very captivated by all of the decorations and lights. You say "ho ho ho" when you see Santa Clause. I always loved Christmas as a kid but in the past several years I started seeing it as stressful rather than exciting. This year is different. Now, I am going to be experiencing Christmas through the eyes of a child again, and I think this will be even better than when I was a kid myself.
     I am so thankful for you baby. You bring me so much joy every single day. I hope you know how much I love you.

Your First Year

Well, my little man, in a couple of weeks we will be celebrating your first birthday. I have been keeping myself busy and focused on planning you a couple of parties- one we just celebrated this weekend in Columbus with daddy's side of the family, and one we will be celebrating on your actual birthday with all your Arizona friends and family.
  Planning these parties keeps my mind off the fact that I am sad that this first year is coming to an end.  Don't get me wrong- I am so happy that you are healthy and doing so well, and I am so excited about being your mommy in the years to come, but still, the first birthday is kind of bittersweet. Its bittersweet because it marks the end of what has been, by far, the best year of my life.

"Smoldering Eyes"

  From the moment I laid eyes on you, my life changed so much, and all for the better. I went from being overly concerned with cleaning and keeping things in order to letting the house be full of trucks, blocks, basketballs and other baby toys. Instead of being bothered by fingerprints on the glass doors, I like to look at them and see how your sweet hands have pushed on the glass as your steady yourself to walk or pull up. I went from needing 8+ hours of sleep per night to waking up in the middle of the night missing you and wishing you would wake up so I could hold you.

"Ba-ba-Baw"

  You have changed a lot in the past year too. You started sleeping through the night at around 7 months old, you have gotten 8 teeth so far, you took your first steps at 9.5 months, and now you are running all around the house. At your 9 month check up your doctor was blown away by your communication skills. She said you were very smart for your age. We think you are very assertive. You always know exactly what you want and you are good at telling us. You are silly- you like giving us "smoldering eyes" when you sit at the dinner table, you smile and laugh a lot. You love mommy to sing to you in the car (even though I have a terrible voice), and you are absolutely obsessed with basketballs. We think that was your first word- you always point to your basketball and say "Ba-ba-baw" then move your hand up and down like you are dribbling. You are also a really good eater. You are small for your age but you eat everything, and a lot of it! You usually like eating whatever mommy and daddy are eating best. You don't like sitting in your high chair waiting on the food, and sometimes you cry, but you always stop crying when we start to pray, because you know that means food is next!  You and I are pretty much attached at the hip. I have had to leave church a few times because you cry when we are separated. You usually don't let me make dinner without holding you in one of my arms, and you melt my heart every night when you lay your head on my shoulder before going to sleep.
  Now, at only 11.5 months, you have captured the heart of your mommy, daddy, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and many others. You have SO MANY people who love you and I thank God for that. I pray for you every night as I hold you in my arms that you feel loved all the days of your life. I am pretty sure that it is guaranteed you will.
   I love you so much my boy, and I can't wait to see what this next year holds.
Love,
Momma

Baby's Best Friend

In college I bought Trooper. He was my little buddy. He slept with me, traveled with me and freaked out when we were apart.  Years later when I was married and living in Arizona, two of our friends convinced us to take in a rescue dog that they were fostering. She was a sweet, beautiful little mutt and we named her Genji. She and Trooper seemed to get a long just fine despite the fact that Trooper had so enjoyed being the "only child."
In August 2011, when I was 8 months pregnant, we ended up with a third dog. This dog was completely unanticipated. He had been abandoned and was near death in my parent's complex when we found him. He took an immediate attachment to Ricky and there was no separating them. We called him Bones and prepared for life with three dogs and a new baby.  Trooper was not thrilled with the new dog (especially because he had not been neutered) but he tolerated him pretty well.  We were just worried about how Trooper, the original "only child" would respond when a new human baby entered the home and took over all of our attention and energy.
We were quite pleasantly surprised. Trooper immediately loved Maximus and became his protector. From the very beginning he would always be by Maximus' side and in every picture of Maximus you would find Trooper nearby. He so loved that baby from the moment he laid eyes on him.


Earlier this week I put Maximus down for a nap.  As always, Trooper was at my heel and followed me into the room where I laid Maximus down.  Then I closed the door and left. An hour later I heard what sounded like a dog collar shaking coming through the monitor. I looked around for Trooper and found him trapped in the baby's room.  Now... if you know Trooper you know that that dog never tolerates being closed in or locked out.  Usually he barks, scratches, jumps and goes crazy. But this time I think he knew that he was with Maximus and that he could not bark and wake him up.  I think he was content just being in the room with his little buddy.  Its a very endearing memory that I hope to hold on to.

Pea Poop on the Plane

Sometimes I just need to record a memory because it is too funny or special to forget.  This blog is about one such memory. Last week we spent visiting our family in Ohio. Maximus had just turned 6 months old so we decided to start him on baby food during the trip. We chose sweet potatoes as his first food because of its supposedly easy-on-the-GI-tract profile. Of course he loved eating the sweet potatoes. He seemed to tolerate them well, but on the third day he didn't have a bowel movement.  This carried on for a few more days and we became worried that he was constipated. Everyone had advice on how to help him go but we decided to wait it out.  Then the day before we left to return to Arizona, we switched to his second food- peas.
   The next day we got on the plane to return to Arizona.  It was a 4 hour flight. We chose to sit in the very back of the plane for privacy and in case Maximus got fussy. About one hour in, Maximus showed us that he was no longer constipated. Ricky was holding him and could feel the vibrations that indicated Maximus was passing stool. So, I walked Maximus all the way to the front of the plane (because there is no changing table in the bathroom in the back of the plane). Once we got into the bathroom, I uncovered the biggest, greenest, stinkiest, messiest poop Maximus has ever had in his life so far. It was all over his clothes, covered his back and was in his armpits. He was wiggling around so by the end he had it in his hair, on my shirt and all over the changing table.I cleaned him and everything up as best I can. I had to throw his clothes away and then walk him back to our seat in the back of the plane wearing nothing but a diaper. Everyone was nice and couldn't help but smile at the cute, naked little baby who had just made a mess all over the airplane bathroom.  Luckily I had a change of clothes for him in his bag back at our seat. 1 hour later, though, he had another gigantic poop. Fortunately we had the forsight to undress him before it got on that outfit.
   It was stressful in the midst of it, but actually quite funny when I look back on it. So funny that I never want to forget it!

The Best Days of My Life

I have had a very blessed life. I was born into a loving family with parents who adored their kids and dedicated their lives to teaching, encouraging, and providing for us. We went to great schools and always had fun family vacations to look forward to. Additionally we grew up in a safe town close to our grandparents, aunts, uncles and many cousins. I always did well in school and had a lot of friends. I met the man of my dreams when I was 15 and married him when I was 22, gaining the best in laws I could ask for. I was able to go to college and graduate school and get a job in a field that I love. I moved to my favorite state and have found friends and a church that enrich my life and strengthen my relationship with Christ on a daily basis. Life has been good.

All of that being said, I know I am currently living the best days of my life.  When Maximus was born in September, 2011, I was anxious about how much my life would change.  I had so enjoyed the life Ricky and I had created as a married couple and now we were responsible for incorporating a whole new life into our own.  Now, just 5.5 months later, I don't know how I ever lived without being Maximus' mommy.  He is my joy.  I have always appreciated what a good life I had, but I don't know that I ever truly LOVED MY LIFE until now.

Spending hours sitting on a blanket in the living room playing blocks or just watching Maximus play with his toes or practice making verbalizations has become my favorite hobby.  I stare at his pictures and rewatch videos of him all day long when we are apart. Even waking up to comfort or feed him in the middle of the night brings me joy because I miss him when he is asleep.

I am not really sure what the point of this blog today is, except to record how incredibly happy I am at this point in my life. I adore my husband and my son and am loving every minute that we spend together.  Maybe I feel guilt that I am so fortunate while others suffer so much. Maybe I am anxious that "my turn" for something terrible is coming up.  Maybe I just never want to forget how great it feels to be this much in love.  I don't know how long God will let me live on this earth, but I know I have already experienced more joy in the past 6 months than many experience in a lifetime.

The Greatest Peace Flows Downward

My Dear Little Maximus,
   Whenever a stranger meets you and I tell them your name, they always say, "What a strong name."  They usually associate "Maximus" with the guy from Gladiator. While it is true that we thought of the name Maximus while watching Gladiator, and it is a strong name... those are not the reasons we picked that name for you.
   Daddy and I agree on most things. However, it took us several months to come up with a name for you, our first born son.  Daddy liked newer, popular names, and mommy liked older more classic names.  When mommy first mentioned the name 'Maximus' to daddy, he wasn't sure it was the right name for you.  Then we found out the meaning which was "The Greatest."  We thought that was pretty cool, especially when we paired it with the middle name 'Solomon.' Solomon means "peace" and is the name of King David's son, King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived. He wrote some of the bible including the books Song of Solomon, Proverbs and mommy's favorite, Ecclesiastes.
    These two names, combined with our last name, Jordan, mean "The Greatest Peace Flows Downward." Jesus was known as the King of Peace, and we know that he came down from heaven to save us on the earth. Therefore, we liked what your name represented Him, The Greatest Peace, who came from above.
    Now as I write this and you are four months old, your name takes on additional meaning to me.  As I look at how much my life has changed since you came into it, I realize how much peace you have brought me. Holding you in my arms is the most at peace I ever feel. When I come home from a tough day at work and you are there, sitting in your bouncy chair, smiling at me, all is right with my world and I forget anything that has made me stressed.  I love you so much and I thank you for bringing me Peace, sweet Maximus Solomon Jordan.